Nation Lines Up In Droves To Humiliate Nate Silver
WASHINGTON—In a united effort to fulfill their patriotic duty as Americans, the nation’s voters reportedly lined up in droves Tuesday to humiliate Nate Silver. “Little fuck thinks he’s so smart—I’ll show him,” said D.C. resident Jon Everett, one of 174…
Trump Renames Gulf of America to Gulf of Mexico for Crucial Hispanic Support
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump declared that the United States of America will revert the Gulf of America’s name back to Gulf of Mexico for crucial pre-midterm Hispanic support, unconvinced sources confirm. “Sleepy Joe changed the name of this…
Chuck Schumer Warns That Winning Goes Against the Aims of the Democratic Party
WASHINGTON — Senate minority leader Chuck Schumer warned that recent victories for Democratic candidates go against the aims of the Democratic Party, confirmed sources. “If we wanted to win, we would,” wrote Schumer in a strongly written letter to his…
Democrats Urge Haley Stevens to Endorse Republicans in Every Other State
Dominic Gwinn/SOPA Images/LightRocket via Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Hoping for a last-minute boost to their midterm campaigns, on Monday Democrats across the US beseeched Rep. Haley Stevens to endorse their Republican opponents.…
Haley Stevens Threatens To Endorse One Republican Every Hour Until Demands Met
DETROIT—Saying time was rapidly running out for candidates in her party to do the right thing, Rep. Haley Stevens (D-MI) threatened Monday to endorse a Republican every hour until her demands were met. “It’s almost 1 p.m., which means my…
Sports Betting By The Numbers
With the recent explosion of sportsbooks and prediction markets, interest in gambling on sports has never been higher. The Onion looks at the figures behind the boom in sports betting. $140,000 Parlay winnings if the basketball catches fire, then it…
Goateed Off
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Milwaukee Brewers Win First World Series
The Milwaukee Brewers clinched the World Series title over the Tampa Bay Rays in five games, marking the first championship in the franchise’s 57-year history. What do you think? “The AA meetings in Milwaukee are going to be extra empty this weekend.”…
Rank-And-File Democrat Reaches Across Aisle To Trip Progressive Candidate
WASHINGTON—Representative Haley Stevens, a proud establishment democrat and supporter of Israel, metaphorically and literally reached across the aisle yesterday to endorse Republican candidate Mike Rogers and trip progressive candidate Abdul El-Sayed…
Poll: Americans Likelier To Vote For Candidate Who Hasn’t Barged In On Them In Bathroom Stall
HAMDEN, CT—Suggesting the act raises serious questions among voters about a politician’s respect for the average citizen’s privacy, a poll out Monday from Quinnipiac University found that Americans are more likely to vote for candidates who…