New Meta Glasses Feature Reminds Users To Blink To Appear Human
MENLO PARK, CA—Touting the new software update as a staggering innovation no other wearable technology could offer, CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced Wednesday that Meta’s smart glasses would now remind users to blink to appear human. “Every 30 to 60…
Doctor Reassures Patient That Lump Probably Just Body Making Extra Guy
COLUMBUS, OH—Telling the 54-year-old there was no reason to panic over the fist-sized bulge that had recently begun shifting beneath the skin of his abdomen, local physician Alan Keller reportedly reassured patient Eric Madsen on Wednesday that the lump…
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Trump Gets New Podiatrist’s Note in Preparation for War with Canada
Nic Amaya on Unsplash WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Demonstrating his seriousness about declaring war on Canada, on Wednesday Donald J. Trump obtained a medical note from his new podiatrist exempting him from military service. The podiatrist,…
Rest Of Fantasy League Losing Patience With Player Who Has Other Things Going On In His Life
DOYLESTOWN, PA—Expressing frustration over their friend’s increasingly disinterested behavior in recent years, participants in a local fantasy football league confirmed Tuesday that they were rapidly losing patience with the one player in their…
Conservatives Remember the Late Dolly Parton, Without Remembering Her
BRENTWOOD, Tenn. — In the wake of the passing of Dolly Parton, iconic singer, actor, and philanthropist, millions of conservative country fans are remembering the country giant’s legacy in a highly selective manner, country music insiders…
‘Behold, Meta’s New AI,’ Says Mark Zuckerberg Covering Nipples In Tinfoil
MENLO PARK, CA—Providing an internal update on his latest breakthrough in the smart technology sector, Meta founder Mark Zuckerberg reportedly invited employees to behold the company’s “new AI” Monday as he lifted his top to display his tinfoil-covered…
Man Terrified After Urine Comes Out Clear For First Time In Life
CHICAGO—Growing visibly alarmed as he speculated about the unclouded liquid’s implications for his long-term health, 53-year-old Charles Lewis reportedly became terrified Tuesday morning after his urine came out clear for the first time in his life. “Oh…
Amazon Destroying Rare Books To Train AI
New evidence suggests Amazon is buying up rare books and tearing their pages from their spines in order to feed its AI models with unique information. What do you think? “If they’re so good, how come they’re rare?” Fernando Esquivel, Titanium Bender…
Raya Introduces New PR Relationship Mode
LOS ANGELES—Empowering their users to be completely upfront about their intentions, officials for the dating app Raya announced Tuesday they were launching an all-new PR Relationship Mode. “Whether you’re looking for a 23-year-old model to serve as your…