Raya Introduces New PR Relationship Mode
LOS ANGELES—Empowering their users to be completely upfront about their intentions, officials for the dating app Raya announced Tuesday they were launching an all-new PR Relationship Mode. “Whether you’re looking for a 23-year-old model to serve as your…
What Would Molly Ivins Say?
Molly Ivins, an American hero. (John Pineda/Getty Images) The indefatigable Heather Cox Richardson keeps doing cool and surprising new things. Many of you have subscribed to her newsletter, Letters from an American, or have read her books, like Democracy…
Scientists Confirm Reggie Watts Has First Ego Psychedelics Can’t Kill
LOS ANGELES — A group of neuroscientists studying the effects of the psychedelic experience made a startling breakthrough recently, announcing this morning their discovery that comedic loops musician Reggie Watts possesses the only known ego in the world…
BREAKING: If Harry, Meghan Going To U.K., Then Heck, Rest Of America Going With ’Em!
WASHINGTON—Swarming the nation’s airports as they rushed to board any available transatlantic flight, the U.S. populace decided Monday that if Harry and Meghan were going to the U.K., the rest of America was going with ’em. “Sure, it’ll be a big…
Jake Lang Formally Invited to Join Sinister Six
MINNEAPOLIS, Minn. — Following provocateur Jake Lang’s wildly dangerous political stunt and subsequent clash with Spider-Man this past weekend at Minneapolis City Hall, the infamous rogue gallery, ‘The Sinister Six’ announced they have formally invited…
Energy Drinks: Myth Vs. Fact
Regulators around the world are cracking down on energy drinks, citing serious health risks associated with high levels of caffeine and sugar. The Onion examines the common myths and facts surrounding the popular beverage. MYTH: Excessive consumption can…
God Concerned By Q3 Circumcision Numbers
THE HEAVENS—Noting that a marked downward trend had developed this fiscal year and showed no signs of stopping, The Lord God, Creator of Heaven and Earth, reported He was concerned Monday over what He called “troubling” Q3 circumcision numbers. “Sure,…
Biology Teacher Disappointed Nobody Did Assigned Summer Dissecting
SAN MATEO, CA—Noting that the students had known about the assignment since their end-of-year dismissal back in May, Sofia Suarez, a biology teacher at Hillsdale High School, informed her class Wednesday that she was disappointed no one had done their…
Trump Makes Repeated Verbal Flubs While Performing ‘Wild Wild West’ Theme Song
The post Trump Makes Repeated Verbal Flubs While Performing ‘Wild Wild West’ Theme Song appeared first on The Onion.
Dad Suggests Beating Traffic By Leaving Game After First Inning
The post Dad Suggests Beating Traffic By Leaving Game After First Inning appeared first on The Onion.