Sophie Cunningham Claims Any Woman Who Averages More Than 8 Points Per Game Should Not Be Allowed To Play In WNBA
INDIANAPOLIS—Contending that the proposed restrictions were “common sense” and necessary to preserve the integrity of the sport, Indiana Fever shooting guard Sophie Cunningham claimed Friday that any woman who averages more than eight points per game…
Stella Lefty Admits Nepotism May Have Helped Her Get Groupon+
LOS ANGELES—Responding to scrutiny concerning her tech billionaire father, artist Stella Lefty admitted in an interview Friday that nepotism may have played a role in helping her get Groupon+. “I had to set up the account myself, but yeah, I definitely…
The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Larry Ellison
Larry Ellison is the co-founder and executive chairman of Oracle, as well as the largest shareholder of the Paramount Skydance Corporation. The Onion sat down with the billionaire to discuss his ventures. The Onion : How did you get into the…
TBR’s Week in Photos
Algae-ridden Reflecting Pool Renamed “Lake Trump” Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images Leader of Free World Renamed “Mark Carney” Andrej Ivanov/Getty Images Flock of Canadian Geese Take Massive Shit on White House Gary Bendig on Unsplash…
Mix-up Sends Peter Cullen to Planet Transsexual and Tim Curry to Cybertron
THE AFTERLIFE — In what has been described as an administrative error of celestial proportions, the Grim Reaper has erroneously sent deceased Optimus Prime voice actor Peter Cullen to Planet Trannsexual, while actor Tim Curry was sent to Planet…
Lawyers Say Andrew Tate Rented Brother To Appear Loved Online
MIAMI—Saying the manosphere influencer vastly exaggerated aspects of his life in order to fabricate a social media persona, lawyers for Andrew Tate disclosed Thursday that he rented a brother to appear loved online. “Despite all the videos of…
Nation’s LGBTQ+ Community Forms Protective Circle Around Liza Minnelli and Cher
LOS ANGELES — In what is being called a state of emergency following the back-to-back deaths of Dolly Parton and Tim Curry, aging queer icons Liza Minnelli and Cher have been placed under protective custody by a large coalition of queer-identifying…
Fed-Up Rockstar Cancels ‘GTA VI’
EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND—Shelving the game indefinitely after major spoilers about the plot leaked online, fed-up developers at Rockstar Games announced Thursday that the company was canceling Grand Theft Auto VI because “you fucking people don’t deserve…
NYU To Offer ‘Celebrity With a Podcast’ Major
NEW YORK — New York University recently started offering a major known as “Celebrity With a Podcast” after a survey found it to be one of the more inflation-proof careers, confirmed sources. “I was between this and Econ with a concentration in Family…
Date Name-Drops Creator Of ‘Beetle Bailey’
SEATTLE—Exhibiting an air of practiced nonchalance as he mentioned his high-profile acquaintance, the Hinge date of area woman Melissa Jacobs was overheard Thursday dropping the name of the man who created Beetle Bailey. “You know, what you just said…