Trembling RFK Jr. Tells Dominatrix To Use Processed Foods On His Balls
WASHINGTON—His voice shaking even more than usual as he grew excited over his impending torment, a trembling Robert F. Kennedy Jr. was overheard Thursday telling a dominatrix to use processed foods on his balls. “Mistress Jessica, I’ve been a bad little…
Date Name-Drops Creator Of ‘Beetle Bailey’
SEATTLE—Exhibiting an air of practiced nonchalance as he mentioned his high-profile acquaintance, the Hinge date of area woman Melissa Jacobs was overheard Thursday dropping the name of the man who created Beetle Bailey. “You know, what you just said…
Stephen Miller Rushed to Hospital After Accidentally Stunning Himself with ICE Shock Gloves
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In what was called “an experiment gone horribly awry,” on Thursday White House deputy chief of staff Stephen Miller tested a pair of ICE “shock gloves” on himself and inadvertently sent 380…
Political Profile: Natalie Harp
White House aide Natalie Harp is drawing scrutiny from many political observers. The Onion shares everything you need to know about Harp and her background. Education: Liberty University School of Blond Woman Business Job Title: Senior Girl to the…
Dolly Parton Troubled To Find God Illiterate
THE HEAVENS—Her heart breaking when she discovered the Almighty fumbling over the most basic words on the page in front of Him, country music icon and noted humanitarian Dolly Parton was reportedly troubled to discover Wednesday that God was illiterate.…
Trump Pushes To Rename Sexual Attraction To Children ‘Americaphilia’
The post Trump Pushes To Rename Sexual Attraction To Children ‘Americaphilia’ appeared first on The Onion.
Tim Curry Was the Greatest Actor I’ve Ever Worked With, and His Role in Rocky Horror Helped Me Realize I Was Pansexual – Guest Post by Gonzo
Hello out there, folks, it’s me, your friendly neighborhood, uh, whatever the hell I am, Gonzo. It’s been one heck of a week, hasn’t it, folks? First we lost Dolly Parton, and now Tim Curry. Both of these people were icons. Both of these people were…
Amazing!: When the Minneapolis Spider-Man Needed Legal Help, a Man Dressed as Matt Murdock Punched Jake Lang in the Face Again
It’s been said before that not all heroes wear capes. Case in point: Spider-Man. He’s a SUPER hero who’s never worn a cape, has the highest-grossing movie in America, and punched far-right influencer Jake Lang right in the face to the delight of…
Schumer and Jeffries Hold Emergency Meeting With Trump to Brainstorm Insulting Nicknames for DSA Candidates
WASHINGTON — Democratic leadership met with President Trump to seek help coming up with “sick burns and zingers” for their shared political rivals, sources confirm. “Obviously, we don’t see eye to eye with Donald Trump on much. For instance, he…
Prince Harry, Meghan Markle Moving Back To U.K.
Prince Harry and his wife Meghan Markle are set to return to the U.K. six years after stepping back from royal duties and moving to the U.S. What do you think? “I’ve got some spare packing tape and old newspapers if they need it.” Bashir Jain, Chair…