Former Rep. Eric Swalwell Admits To ‘Physical Relations’ With Chinese Spy
Newly declassified documents show former Rep. Eric Swalwell admitted to the FBI that he had “physical relations” with a suspected Chinese spy on a handful of occasions. What do you think? “Let’s not let geopolitics cheapen what they had.” Soren Murnahan,…
Dad Stuns Family With Proclamation He Believes In Werewolves
TOPEKA, KS—In a shocking announcement that instantly brought all dinner conversation to a screeching halt, local father Jesse Pflughaupt reportedly stunned his family Monday evening by proclaiming that he believes in werewolves. “You can find werewolves…
We Look Back on Nine Inch Nails’ “Closer” Because I’m in the Car With My Dad and of Fucking Course It’s Playing on the Radio
“Closer” by Nine Inch Nails was released in May of 1994 as the second single off their sophomore album “The Downward Spiral”, and of fucking course it just started playing on the radio right after Dad picked me up from O’Hare for the McLaughlin family…
Eric Trump Calls Lindsey Graham’s Sister Unqualified Idiot Who Only Got Job Through Nepotism
Mandel Ngan / AFP via Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a blistering takedown, on Monday Eric Trump called Lindsey Graham’s sister, Senator Darline Graham, “an unqualified idiot who only got her job through…
Office Punk’s PowerPoint Only Has Three Slides
CHICAGO — Local office punk Darrell Willis recently presented Business Think Lab, his place of work, with a PowerPoint that only used three slides, despite taking nearly three weeks to produce, confirmed sources. “Darrell is always trying to act…
DOJ Develops Pathway To Restore Gun Rights To Felons
The Department of Justice finalized a rule that creates a path for some convicted felons to have their gun rights restored, with officials claiming those who pose a public danger could only be approved in “extraordinary circumstances.” What do you think?…
I Said I Got a Pocketful of SUNSHINE, Motherfucker! — Guest Post by Natasha Bedingfield
Yeah. That’s right. You don’t have shit. What do you have in your pocket? Nothing! It’s because you’re broke as fuck. “Take me away, to a higher place”…yeah…like the Billboard Top 100. Heard of it? Any of your…
‘Abbey Road’ Biographer Reveals Paul Made Everyone Use the Crosswalk
CARNOUSTIE, Scotland — A new biography about the six-frame photoshoot for the Beatles’ final recorded studio album asserts that Paul McCartney insisted the Fab Four use the zebra-stripe crosswalk and move single file while crossing Abbey Road. “The…
A List of Foods RFK Jr. Says It’s Safe To Eat
Brendan Smialowski/AFP via Getty Images TBR EXCLUSIVE—The Borowitz Report has obtained the following official advisory from the Department of Health and Human Services: Here at the Department of Health and Human Services we put health first and…
Luigi Mangione Pleads Guilty
Luigi Mangione pleaded guilty to federal stalking charges in the 2024 killing of UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson, facing a maximum sentence of life in prison. What do you think? “Great, so I sent all of those love letters to a criminal?” Joan…