God Concerned By Q3 Circumcision Numbers
THE HEAVENS—Noting that a marked downward trend had developed this fiscal year and showed no signs of stopping, The Lord God, Creator of Heaven and Earth, reported He was concerned Monday over what He called “troubling” Q3 circumcision numbers. “Sure,…
Biology Teacher Disappointed Nobody Did Assigned Summer Dissecting
SAN MATEO, CA—Noting that the students had known about the assignment since their end-of-year dismissal back in May, Sofia Suarez, a biology teacher at Hillsdale High School, informed her class Wednesday that she was disappointed no one had done their…
Trump Makes Repeated Verbal Flubs While Performing ‘Wild Wild West’ Theme Song
The post Trump Makes Repeated Verbal Flubs While Performing ‘Wild Wild West’ Theme Song appeared first on The Onion.
Dad Stuns Family With Proclamation He Believes In Werewolves
TOPEKA, KS—In a shocking announcement that instantly brought all dinner conversation to a screeching halt, local father Jesse Pflughaupt reportedly stunned his family Monday evening by proclaiming that he believes in werewolves. “You can find werewolves…
Former Rep. Eric Swalwell Admits To ‘Physical Relations’ With Chinese Spy
Newly declassified documents show former Rep. Eric Swalwell admitted to the FBI that he had “physical relations” with a suspected Chinese spy on a handful of occasions. What do you think? “Let’s not let geopolitics cheapen what they had.” Soren Murnahan,…
Dad Suggests Beating Traffic By Leaving Game After First Inning
The post Dad Suggests Beating Traffic By Leaving Game After First Inning appeared first on The Onion.
DOJ Develops Pathway To Restore Gun Rights To Felons
The Department of Justice finalized a rule that creates a path for some convicted felons to have their gun rights restored, with officials claiming those who pose a public danger could only be approved in “extraordinary circumstances.” What do you think?…
Luigi Mangione Pleads Guilty
Luigi Mangione pleaded guilty to federal stalking charges in the 2024 killing of UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson, facing a maximum sentence of life in prison. What do you think? “Great, so I sent all of those love letters to a criminal?” Joan…
Pros And Cons Of Wearing Shorts In The Office
Whether shorts are office-appropriate attire has ignited an online debate. The Onion examines the pros and cons of wearing shorts in the office. PRO New scapegoat for bad quarter Good to have full range of movement while sitting stationary for eight…
David Attenborough Admits To Exaggerating Wonder Of Seals
LONDON—Acknowledging that the sea mammals were far from being “awe-inspiring, beautiful creatures or a splendor of nature,” an embarrassed David Attenborough finally admitted this week to exaggerating the wonder of seals. “While I did several monologues…