Dennis Hastert Dies
Disgraced former House Speaker Dennis Hastert has died at 84, the Republican having once been imprisoned for a hush money scheme intended to cover up his repeated molestation of teen athletes. What do you think? “From the first couple sentences I’ve read…
NBA Reminds Rookies Not To Blow First Paycheck On Big-Ass Snake
NEW YORK—Urging incoming players to avoid the financial pitfalls that have derailed so many promising careers, the NBA reportedly reminded rookies Tuesday not to blow their first paycheck on a big-ass snake. “The first time you see all those zeroes in…
Pros And Cons Of Using Peptides
Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. and MAHA influencers have promoted the use of peptides, short-chain amino acids with a range of purported but often unsubstantiated health benefits. The Onion examines the pros and cons of these supplements. PRO…
DNC Releases Preemptive Autopsy Into Why They Lost Midterms
WASHINGTON—In an effort to get ahead of the forthcoming criticisms of how they squandered such a commanding lead in the polls, the Democratic National Committee released a preemptive autopsy Tuesday into why their party lost the 2026 midterm elections.…
Smiling, Unblinking Tom Cruise Just Wants To Know Why Nation Didn’t See ‘Digger’
WASHINGTON—Faced with a weekend of dismal ticket sales that ranked among the worst in the megastar’s career, a smiling, unblinking Tom Cruise calmly stated Monday that he just wanted to know why the nation didn’t turn out to see his new movie…
Congressional Candidate Has Different Wife For Campaigning In Rural Counties
DARLINGTON, OH—In an obvious attempt to appeal to the county’s different demographic, U.S. House of Representatives candidate Jim Richardson reportedly showed up Monday to a campaign event in a rural part of Ohio’s 12 Congressional District…
Trump Drops Bombshell Evidence Biden Actively Campaigned Against Him
WASHINGTON—During an address to the nation Tuesday in which he claimed to have obtained definitive proof that the election was stolen, President Donald Trump presented bombshell evidence showing his opponent Joe Biden actively campaigned against him…
Pat McAfee Nods During Aaron Rodgers’ 2-Hour Monologue On Virtues Of Eating Tar
INDIANAPOLIS—As he maintained steady eye contact and periodically murmured, “Yeah, man,” ESPN host Pat McAfee could be seen nodding along Tuesday during a broadcast of his talk show in which Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Aaron Rodgers delivered a…
Hiding in Plane Sight
The post Hiding in Plane Sight appeared first on The Onion.
Trump’s Triumphal Arch By The Numbers
Trump has directed his administration to build a triumphal arch in Washington, D.C., to commemorate the nation’s 250th anniversary. The Onion looks at the key facts and figures behind the new monument. 4 Barrons tall at highest point 17 Engraved…