Lawyers Say Andrew Tate Rented Brother To Appear Loved Online
MIAMI—Saying the manosphere influencer vastly exaggerated aspects of his life in order to fabricate a social media persona, lawyers for Andrew Tate disclosed Thursday that he rented a brother to appear loved online. “Despite all the videos of…
Fed-Up Rockstar Cancels ‘GTA VI’
EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND—Shelving the game indefinitely after major spoilers about the plot leaked online, fed-up developers at Rockstar Games announced Thursday that the company was canceling Grand Theft Auto VI because “you fucking people don’t deserve…
Trembling RFK Jr. Tells Dominatrix To Use Processed Foods On His Balls
WASHINGTON—His voice shaking even more than usual as he grew excited over his impending torment, a trembling Robert F. Kennedy Jr. was overheard Thursday telling a dominatrix to use processed foods on his balls. “Mistress Jessica, I’ve been a bad little…
Date Name-Drops Creator Of ‘Beetle Bailey’
SEATTLE—Exhibiting an air of practiced nonchalance as he mentioned his high-profile acquaintance, the Hinge date of area woman Melissa Jacobs was overheard Thursday dropping the name of the man who created Beetle Bailey. “You know, what you just said…
U.S. National Debt Surpasses $40 Trillion
The U.S. national debt surpassed $40 trillion for the first time ever, with Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent claiming the country can grow its way out of it. What do you think? “Maybe we didn’t need two Dakotas.” Penelope O’Conner, Doll Refurbisher…
Political Profile: Natalie Harp
White House aide Natalie Harp is drawing scrutiny from many political observers. The Onion shares everything you need to know about Harp and her background. Education: Liberty University School of Blond Woman Business Job Title: Senior Girl to the…
Dolly Parton Troubled To Find God Illiterate
THE HEAVENS—Her heart breaking when she discovered the Almighty fumbling over the most basic words on the page in front of Him, country music icon and noted humanitarian Dolly Parton was reportedly troubled to discover Wednesday that God was illiterate.…
Trump Pushes To Rename Sexual Attraction To Children ‘Americaphilia’
The post Trump Pushes To Rename Sexual Attraction To Children ‘Americaphilia’ appeared first on The Onion.
Prince Harry, Meghan Markle Moving Back To U.K.
Prince Harry and his wife Meghan Markle are set to return to the U.K. six years after stepping back from royal duties and moving to the U.S. What do you think? “I’ve got some spare packing tape and old newspapers if they need it.” Bashir Jain, Chair…
New Meta Glasses Feature Reminds Users To Blink To Appear Human
MENLO PARK, CA—Touting the new software update as a staggering innovation no other wearable technology could offer, CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced Wednesday that Meta’s smart glasses would now remind users to blink to appear human. “Every 30 to 60…