North Dakota Apologizes For Contributing Nothing To Nation’s Greatness
BISMARCK, ND—Admitting that it had let the other 49 states do “pretty much all of the heavy lifting,” North Dakota issued a formal apology Tuesday for contributing nothing to the nation’s greatness. “Look, we acknowledge that we don’t exactly bring much…
What To Know About The Potential Russian Plague Outbreak
In the Russian city of Irkutsk, the death of a plague researcher from a mysterious illness has stoked fears of an outbreak. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the emerging situation. Q: What is the Irkutsk Anti-Plague Research Institute?…
Marathoner Already Pissing Self Half-Mile In
The post Marathoner Already Pissing Self Half-Mile In appeared first on The Onion.
Pentagon To Livestream Firing Squad Execution
In what would be the nation’s first public execution in 90 years, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced the Pentagon would livestream Fort Hood shooter Nidal Hasan’s death by firing squad. What do you think? “My money’s on the firing…
White House Downplays Hyena Biting Down On Trump’s Ass
WASHINGTON—Calling the attention the incident was receiving yet another example of liberal media bias, the White House downplayed on Friday the fact that a hyena was currently biting down on the ass of President Donald Trump. “No one should be…
Grandma Fondly Recalls Once Working With Homosexual
GREENSBORO, NC—Growing increasingly whimsical as she unearthed the memory from decades ago, local grandma Agatha Fuller fondly recalled Friday how she had once worked with a homosexual. “His name was Alexander, never Alex, and his hair and his suit were…
FBI Classifies Not Finishing Hamburger As Seditious Activity
WASHINGTON—Vowing to use the full force of the bureau to crack down on anyone who thwarted the values and aims of the United States through such an act, FBI Director Kash Patel formally classified not finishing a hamburger as seditious activity…
What To Know About ‘The Social Reckoning’
Sixteen years after the release of The Social Network, follow-up film The Social Reckoning is coming to theaters. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the sequel. Q: Who’s the writer and director? A: Aaron Sorkin and, unfortunately,…
DNA Provides More Evidence Thomas Jefferson Fathered Children With Sally Hemings
DNA analysis of a lock of Thomas Jefferson’s hair has provided the strongest genetic evidence yet that he did in fact father at least one child with the enslaved woman Sally Hemings, as has long been speculated. What do you think? “The Federalists are…
Recipe For Disaster
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