Dude Wipes Introduces New Flushable Khakis
CHICAGO—Touting them as the clean and fashionable solution to a common messy situation, personal-cleansing brand Dude Wipes announced Thursday its new line of flushable khakis. “Every guy knows what it’s like to walk around with a load in his…
Nation Horrified To Think Sexual Assault Could Happen On College Campus
WASHINGTON—Expressing shock and disgust that an unspeakable crime could occur at a place of higher learning, the U.S. populace was reportedly horrified this week to think that sexual assault could happen on a college campus. “You would just never imagine…
Man Confident He Would’ve Been Brave Enough To Send Thumbs Down Emoji In Cornell Group Chat
The post Man Confident He Would’ve Been Brave Enough To Send Thumbs Down Emoji In Cornell Group Chat appeared first on The Onion.
Toys ‘R’ Us To Open 120 Stores To Appeal To Adult Collectors
Toys ‘R’ Us announced the opening of 120 stores, a comeback for the once-bankrupt retailer hoping to capitalize on a growing number of adult toy collectors. What do you think? “l, too, recently declared bankruptcy then got really into Funko Pops.” Amirah…
Trump To Rename AI ‘Super Intelligence’ On All U.S. Documents
President Trump directed U.S. agencies to rename AI to “super intelligence” on all official documents, claiming that the term “artificial” made the technology sound fake. What do you think? “Even the Constitution?” Anton Pastranak, Systems Analyst “Why…
Nation’s 93-Year-Olds Announce Plan To Crash Car Into Side Of Bank
WASHINGTON—In a joint statement outlining the mission shared by hundreds of thousands of elderly American citizens, the nation’s 93-year-olds announced a new plan this week to crash their cars into the side of a bank. “Some of us will be asleep, some of…
Chris Hansen Slams ‘Primetime’ For Inaccurate Portrayal Of Celebratory Breakdances He Did After Catching Pedophiles
LOS ANGELES—Ripping apart the film’s “egregious” omission, former To Catch A Predator host Chris Hansen took to social media Tuesday to slam Primetime for its inaccurate portrayal of the celebratory breakdances he performed every time he…
Cornell Vows That Rapists Will Be Forced To Write Much Longer Essays In The Future
ITHACA, NY—Acknowledging serious missteps in their handling of a 2024 campus sexual assault case, administrators at Cornell University vowed Tuesday that, going forward, rapists would be forced to write much longer essays as punishment for their…
Posture Adjusted To Equally Incorrect Posture
The post Posture Adjusted To Equally Incorrect Posture appeared first on The Onion.
Political Profile: Abdul El-Sayed
Abdul El-Sayed is the Democratic nominee for the U.S. Senate in Michigan. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the progressive candidate. Ethnicity: Scary-American Personal Mission: Disproving harmful stereotypes about jacked Muslim doctors…