Dead Fantasy Football Commissioner’s Password Guessed Again
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The Nude, Shrieking, 12-Foot Man Only We Can See: Could He Be The Next James Bond?
The post The Nude, Shrieking, 12-Foot Man Only We Can See: Could He Be The Next James Bond? appeared first on The Onion.
‘Harry Potter’ Fans Force Relocation Of Undersea Cable To Avoid Fictional Elf’s Grave
Harry Potter fans forced the relocation of a multi-hundred million dollar undersea power cable they claimed would disturb the fake grave of the fictional house elf Dobby, the linkage now redirected to pass near actual Bronze Age human burial remains.…
Little League World Series Game Turned Off Due To Neither Team Having Big Fat Kid
BUFFALO, NY—Audibly groaning before declaring the event “a major letdown” compared to competitions in previous years, local baseball fan Dylan St. John reportedly switched off Wednesday’s Little League World Series game between Canada and Asia-Pacific…
Democratic Socialism: Myth Vs. Fact
Candidates from the left’s Democratic Socialists of America party have been gaining momentum around the country in primaries leading up to the midterms. The Onion examines the common myths and facts surrounding the DSA. MYTH: Socialist ideas have never…
White House Confirms It Customary For President To Start Press Conference With ‘Moo’
WASHINGTON—Defending the introductory barnyard sounds as typical for any commander-in-chief, White House officials confirmed Wednesday that it was customary for U.S. presidents to start a press conference with the word ‘moo.’ “Of course the left-wing…
Analysts Warn U.S. Economy Becoming Overly Dependent On Anne Hathaway
NEW YORK—Calling the current rate of theatrical releases starring the actress “unsustainable,” top analysts warned Wednesday that the U.S. economy was becoming overly dependent on Anne Hathaway. “Between Mother Mary, The Devil Wears Prada 2, The Odyssey,…
Trump Unveils New 250-Foot Gilded Catering Container For Presidential Travel
WASHINGTON—Touting the new vessel as an investment that could discreetly transport the nation’s chief executive for years to come, President Donald Trump unveiled Tuesday a new 250-foot gilded catering container for presidential travel. “This…
Golfer Resigns From Club After Faking Hole-In-One
Golfer Zach Holland resigned from WingHaven Country Club after faking a hole-in-one at a membership event, admitting fault after a video of the incident went viral. What do you think? “A country club is no place for a status-seeking phony.” Pete Hyslop,…
Man Doesn’t Like Who He Becomes When He’s Around Salsa
ST. LOUIS—Tearfully admitting that the lifelong problem had finally reached a breaking point, local man Darren Moore told reporters Tuesday that he doesn’t like who he becomes when he’s around salsa. “There’s something about when a bowl of salsa…