Men Overly Bored
The post Men Overly Bored appeared first on The Onion.
White House Doctor Claims President Has Always Been Face Drawn Onto Cantaloupe
WASHINGTON—Dismissing public concern about the president’s health as baseless speculation, Capt. Sean Barbabella, the director of the White House Medical Unit, announced at a press conference Friday that Donald Trump has always been a face drawn onto a…
Karaoke Outing Paints Heartbreaking Picture Of Friend Practicing Morrissey Impression Alone
RENO, NV—Wincing as he sang in a baritone voice with a slight British accent, local woman Mary Lowe reportedly felt immense pity at a karaoke outing Thursday after she imagined her friend Matthew Brown working on his Morrissey impression alone at home.…
Mark Zuckerberg’s Yacht Fails To Respond To Maritime Distress Call
After a megayacht owned by Mark Zuckerberg failed to respond to a distress signal from a skiff that had run out of fuel, a spokesperson for the centibillionaire claimed his crew did not hear the call for help. What do you think? “Hasn’t he helped…
Every Commercial On ESPN Past Midnight Just Straight-Up Telling Viewers They Have Prostate Cancer
The post Every Commercial On ESPN Past Midnight Just Straight-Up Telling Viewers They Have Prostate Cancer appeared first on The Onion.
Boy Gets Nice Long Look At Small Of Father’s Back While He Picks Up Ping-Pong Ball
APPLETON, WI—Wide-eyed and unusually still as he took in the unfamiliar sight before him, local 9-year-old Connor Walsh reportedly got a nice long look at the small of his father’s back Thursday while the 44-year-old bent down to retrieve a ping-pong…
Tips For Getting To School Safely
School is back in session for millions of students across the country. The Onion shares tips for ensuring your child has a safe commute. Attend a different school each day to throw would-be kidnappers off your trail. Determine if your bus driver…
Dad’s Driving Directions Hinge On Where Old Shell Station Used To Be
CHICAGO—Basing the instructions almost entirely on a mental map of his surroundings that had seemingly not been updated since 2002, local dad Kenan Volmer reportedly offered his children driving directions to their uncle’s house Thursday that…
Local Music Venue An Absolute Minefield Of Ex-Boyfriends
CHICAGO—As she navigated the concert crowd with increased vigilance, local woman Penelope Frasier issued a red alert Thursday, warning that the music venue she and her friends had just entered was an absolute minefield of her ex-boyfriends. “There could…
ICE To Equip Officers With Electric Shock Gloves
ICE announced plans to spend up to $20 million on gloves that deliver electric shocks to people who do not cooperate. What do you think? “Hopefully you can still opt in for the traditional beating.” Evilyn Hondo, Beet Slicer “They could also just rub…