Cornell Tries Going By Different Name
ITHACA, NY—In an aggressive attempt to distance itself from an alleged sexual assault at one of its fraternity houses, Cornell University hastily announced Thursday that it was now going by a different name. “We determined that the best way forward…
Christa Pike Sentenced To Lifetime Execution
The post Christa Pike Sentenced To Lifetime Execution appeared first on The Onion.
Biggest Supreme Court Cases This Term
This week the Supreme Court began a new term, and there are several consequential cases on the docket. The Onion previews some of the most important cases being heard by the justices in the coming months. Apple v. Epic Games : The suit over Apple’s…
Starbucks Announces New Teen-Free Hours For Nervous Adults Who Just Want To Redeem Birthday Reward
SEATTLE—In an effort to lure back self-conscious adult customers, Starbucks officials announced this week that locations across the country would introduce new teen-free hours for nervous adults who just wanted to redeem their birthday rewards. “Stop by…
Conversation About Non-Monogamy Chock-Full Of Animal Facts
HOULTON, ME—Saying the discussion felt more like something out of National Geographic than a heart-to-heart, local woman Elise Figueroa confirmed Thursday that a conversation about non-monogamy with her husband, Marcus, was chock-full of animal facts.…
All Right, All Right, You Guys Have Won Me Over
I’ve never been the type of guy to change his mind easily. Back in my mujahedeen days, my buddies would always point out how stubborn I was—they couldn’t get me to budge on anything! But even the most gung-ho jihadist knows there comes a time to…
Phrase ‘It’s Been Real’ Pushes Already Great Hangout With Friend Into Heretofore Unknown Levels Of Bliss
BATON ROUGE, LA—Enhancing the top-tier socializing in ways that would have seemed impossible just moments previously, the phrase “It’s been real” pushed an already great hangout with a friend into heretofore unknown levels of bliss,…
‘Ted Lasso’ Fans Told That Show Going ‘Bye-Bye’ For A Bit
BEVERLY HILLS, CA—Assuring viewers that all the characters on the Apple TV show still loved them very much, Ted Lasso producers released a statement Wednesday warning fans that the show was going “bye-bye” for a bit. “Just like all you busy boys and…
Trump Mails $90 Checks To Seniors
President Trump announced that he is sending $90 checks to senior citizens enrolled in Medicare to offset the cost of rising premiums, amounting to $2 billion in total as he attempts to shore up flagging support from the crucial voting block before the…
Time Travelers From Year 2376 Warn Of Future Where America Still Perfect
WASHINGTON—As they emerged from their smoldering, star-spangled chronochamber and urged the public to heed a consequential message, time travelers from the year 2376 attempted to warn the nation Saturday of a future in which the United States was still…