Doctor Reassures Patient That Lump Probably Just Body Making Extra Guy
COLUMBUS, OH—Telling the 54-year-old there was no reason to panic over the fist-sized bulge that had recently begun shifting beneath the skin of his abdomen, local physician Alan Keller reportedly reassured patient Eric Madsen on Wednesday that the lump…
Church Organ
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Rest Of Fantasy League Losing Patience With Player Who Has Other Things Going On In His Life
DOYLESTOWN, PA—Expressing frustration over their friend’s increasingly disinterested behavior in recent years, participants in a local fantasy football league confirmed Tuesday that they were rapidly losing patience with the one player in their…
Report: More Americans Abandoning Lengthy Conversations In Favor Of One Really Big Word
PHILADELPHIA—Suggesting that the nation was increasingly prioritizing speed and efficiency in speaking, a report released Tuesday by researchers at the University of Pennsylvania found that more Americans are abandoning lengthy conversations in favor of…
Raya Introduces New PR Relationship Mode
LOS ANGELES—Empowering their users to be completely upfront about their intentions, officials for the dating app Raya announced Tuesday they were launching an all-new PR Relationship Mode. “Whether you’re looking for a 23-year-old model to serve as your…
Amazon Destroying Rare Books To Train AI
New evidence suggests Amazon is buying up rare books and tearing their pages from their spines in order to feed its AI models with unique information. What do you think? “If they’re so good, how come they’re rare?” Fernando Esquivel, Titanium Bender…
Man Terrified After Urine Comes Out Clear For First Time In Life
CHICAGO—Growing visibly alarmed as he speculated about the unclouded liquid’s implications for his long-term health, 53-year-old Charles Lewis reportedly became terrified Tuesday morning after his urine came out clear for the first time in his life. “Oh…
‘Behold, Meta’s New AI,’ Says Mark Zuckerberg Covering Nipples In Tinfoil
MENLO PARK, CA—Providing an internal update on his latest breakthrough in the smart technology sector, Meta founder Mark Zuckerberg reportedly invited employees to behold the company’s “new AI” Monday as he lifted his top to display his tinfoil-covered…
BREAKING: If Harry, Meghan Going To U.K., Then Heck, Rest Of America Going With ’Em!
WASHINGTON—Swarming the nation’s airports as they rushed to board any available transatlantic flight, the U.S. populace decided Monday that if Harry and Meghan were going to the U.K., the rest of America was going with ’em. “Sure, it’ll be a big…
Energy Drinks: Myth Vs. Fact
Regulators around the world are cracking down on energy drinks, citing serious health risks associated with high levels of caffeine and sugar. The Onion examines the common myths and facts surrounding the popular beverage. MYTH: Excessive consumption can…