Line of Juggalo Suitors Forms in the Hopes of Courting Young Juggalette
DETROIT — A line of juggalo suitors formed outside the bedroom window of 19-year-old juggalette Katie Gerwin in the hopes of winning her favor, sources report.
“I noticed Katie at last week’s Gathering of the Juggalos, and she really struck my fancy,” said suitor Anthony Palley. “I’ve come to her house with a bushel of Faygo Moon Mist to court her, but apparently I’m not the only one with this plan. There must be two dozen men in front of me hoping to impress her. She’s leaning out of her bedroom window waiting to hear from every psychopathic serial killer clown freak to see who is most worthy of her affection. I just hope I have what it takes, because I would love to be the one to accompany her to the next Gathering if she’d be so kind and accommodating as to permit me. Whoop WHOOP!”
Katie Gerwin commented on the series of potential future husbands.
“Last week was my coming out at the Gathering of the Juggalos, so I fully expected to be courted by these men,” Katie Gerwin noted as she finished up her clown makeup. “I’m looking for the most deranged circus fuck here. I’m going to choose the man who best knows how to be a true romantic, whether it’s by dry-humping me behind the dumpster at IHOP or presenting me with copper wire that he stripped from a construction site. I’m not settling for anything less than a true exemplar of gallantry, so I hope everybody standing outside my window understands that only a true Juggalo will be worthy of this Neden.”
The juggalette’s father, Hugh Gerwin, was pleased by the display outside of his house.
“It’s good to see men are still comporting themselves the way I did back when I was a young Juggalo,” Hugh Gerwin confided. “It seems like yesterday that I won the heart of Katie’s mother by pulling down my pants and exposing my asshole while playing ‘Great Milenko’ on my boombox. I wouldn’t settle for anything less than that for my beloved princess, so these suitors will be held to the highest standard possible. Nothing less than the most authentic representative of the Dark Carnival will suffice for my little girl.”
At press time, Palley had left a strong impression after serenading Katie Gerwin at her window with a stirring rendition of “Bugz on My Nutz.”
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