Supposedly Seedy Motel Doesn’t Even Secretly Film Guests Having Sex
SPRINGFIELD, Mo. — A seedy motel off Route 66 proved disappointing for visitors who expected to be spied on in their rooms like in countless movies they’d seen before, according to bummed‑out sources. “If we didn’t want to be filmed having sex, we…
311 Tired of Fielding Non-Emergency Municipal Calls
OMAHA, Neb. — Alternative rock band 311 announced that it is tired of fielding and handling a near-constant series of non-emergency municipal calls for assistance while out on tour, according to sources close to the group. “Look, it’s hard to be a…
Punk Venue Accused of Selling Out After Putting Door on Toilet Stall
FITCHBURG, Mass. — Long-standing rock club Vito’s is being lambasted by its clientele after installing doors on its restroom stalls, according to pissed off sources. “It’s a disgrace,” said Keith Skum of local band The Skumz. “I walked in to take a leak…
David Lee Roth Band Fires David Lee Roth
PASADENA, Calif. — The David Lee Roth Band announced the immediate dismissal of lead singer David Lee Roth, confirmed sources. “Effective immediately, David Lee Roth has been removed as lead singer of the David Lee Roth Band, and the group has…
Feeld Romance Lasts Record Seven Days
PORTLAND, Ore. — Local Feeld users are calling it nothing short of a miracle after a relationship between two people on the app somehow lasted an entire week, confirmed sources. “I’m as surprised as anyone. It started as a simple…
RFK Jr. Says Lethal Injections Failed Because They Contained No Vaccines
Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. argued that the two lethal injections failed because they contained no vaccines. “Pentobarbital alone is not a potent enough drug to stop the heart of a murderer. If you want to get the job done, you need at…
Corn Maze Haunted Predominantly by Theatre Majors
SALEM, Ore. — A local, historically beloved corn maze at Briar Ridge Farms is receiving pushback from the community, who are complaining that the area appears to be haunted almost exclusively by theatre majors, confirmed sources. “Hey, I love theatre as…
We Rank Either the Insidious Movies or the Conjuring Movies Worst To Best. I Don’t Know, Pretty Sure It Was One of Those
Alright, let’s rank some horror movies! Unfortunately, it looks like I got stuck with PG13 bullshit from the past decade or so. It’s some series about a family that moves into a house with a demon in it? Oh wait, did they move into the house and there’s…
University Administration Says They Could’ve Punished Cornell 7 More Severely Had Any of Them Said ‘Free Palestine’
ITHACA, NY — Cornell University announced they would’ve had more flexibility in taking disciplinary action against seven alleged rapists if they were accused of something truly egregious, such as showing support for Palestinians, sources confirm. “The…
Flock CEO Insists Company’s Data Only Shared With FBI, DHS, NSA, DOJ, CIA and REO Speedwagon
ATLANTA — Flock CEO Garrett Langley assured his employees that anyone who objects to constant surveillance by AI bots must be a domestic terrorist threat with something to hide because their company’s data is only shared with the FBI, DHS, NSA,…