Tupac Murder Trial in Chaos as Tupac Set To Testify
LAS VEGAS — In a shocking turn that has the entire court in a tailspin, prosecutors have announced that Tupac Shakur is set to testify in the trial of Duane “Keffe D” Davis, the man charged with orchestrating the 1996 murder of Tupac Shakur,…
The Next Trump? This IT Chud Keeps Threatening To Delete Civilization Game From My Work Laptop
If we lived in a country that wasn’t unmoored from morality and reality, President Trump’s genocidal threat to the Iranian people, “a whole civilization will die tonight,” would have inspired some soul-searching for more than one 24-hour news cycle. And…
MAGA Rapper Earns Street Cred After Snitching to the Cops
TAMPA, Fla. — MAGA rapper Dyson Red found himself earning street cred from his peers after snitching to the cops about a crime he had witnessed, sources report. “I was walking out of 7-Eleven and I saw some guy letting the air out of the tires of this…
I’m Tired of Being Told I Don’t Pay Rent When I Provide Free Therapy to Four Losers with Underdeveloped Frontal Lobes — Guest Column by a House Cat
I’m the housecat in a two-bedroom shared by four 23-year-old numbskulls, and I’m here to tell my story. I am sick and tired of being told I don’t pay rent when I am constantly providing free therapy to you… Basically old children. I know you think I…
Israel Kills Five Hamas Insurgents Living Inside the Face of a Baby
KHAN YUNIS, Palestine — Five Hamas insurgents living inside the face of a nursing infant have been eliminated, IDF Lieutenant General Eyal Zamir announced at a press conference Monday. “Mom was hiding the insurgents in the baby’s face,” explained…
Suck It, Remax! Hard Times Has a Hot Air Balloon Now
Well, if it isn’t the fancy-pants house peddlers. How’s business going for you guys? Ah, so nobody can afford a home because boomers are hoarding all the wealth and asking for $800k for homes they’ve never updated. Yeah, that’ll happen! Oh, but of course…
Audiophile Gets Hepatitis C From Dirty Vinyl Needle
BALTIMORE — A health and musical disaster occurred today as a man contracted hepatitis C from a dirty vinyl needle, confirmed sources. “I just wanted to listen to my commemorative vinyl of the podcast ‘Comedy Bang Bang,’” said audiophile and sickly freak…
Real Brian Thompson Assassin Having a Fucking Field Day Right Now
NEW YORK — Elliott Brock, the man who shot UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson and then allowed beloved dreamboat Luigi Mangione to take the fall, was reportedly over-the-moon excited by the news that Mangione has pleaded guilty and therefore secured his…
Opinion: Obsession Presents an Unrealistic Standard of How Many People Work at a Music Store
Curry Barker’s 2026 breakout hit Obsession has become an unmitigated Hollywood success story. Produced independently on a shoestring budget, the film has gone on to become one of the most popular horror films of the year. However, with its runaway…
Karoline Leavitt Says She’ll Still Defend Pedophiles on Pro Bono Basis After Exiting White House
WASHINGTON — Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt is leaving her position as one of the nation’s top pedophile defenders but will continue to protect abusers in a less formal capacity, sources confirm. “I got into this line of work because I am very…