JD Vance Says Labor Day Should Celebrate Women who go Through Labor
Andrew Harnik/Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—JD Vance stirred controversy on Monday by suggesting that Labor Day be a celebration of “women who go through labor.” “The woke mob has distorted the true meaning of…
The GOP’s Worst Nightmare is Coming True
Republican Jon Husted wishes voters would forget about his association with the First Energy bribery scandal. Good luck with that. (Photo: Ohio Democrats) Happy Labor Day weekend—and welcome to The Borowitz Report’s newest premium feature,…
Vance Says World War 2 Wasn’t a “War”
Kevin Dietsch/Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—JD Vance raised eyebrows at a White House press briefing on Friday by telling reporters that he “wouldn’t call World War 2 a war.” “When that supposed ‘world…
Man With Severe Dementia Starts Calling Common Objects Different Names
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—An eighty-year-old man with severe dementia has started calling common objects different names, a leading expert in cognitive decline said on Thursday. The expert, Dr. Davis Logsdon of the University of Minnesota…
America’s Funniest Governor
Bettmann/Getty Images Last week when I paid tribute to Molly Ivins, many readers said they wished someone would do the same for Molly’s good friend and partner-in-liberalism, Texas Governor Ann Richards (1933-2006). Richards became instantly famous…
Mike Johnson Begs God to Rapture Him Before Midterms
Alex Wong/Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Facing a Republican wipeout in November, on Tuesday House Speaker Mike Johnson begged God to “rapture him up” before the midterm elections. Witnesses in the US Capitol reportedly…
Lindsey Graham’s Sister Promises to Learn Where Iran Is
Megan Varner/Getty Images SOUTH CAROLINA (The Borowitz Report)—At a campaign rally on Monday, Lindsey Graham’s sister Darline promised the people of South Carolina “to learn where Iran is.” “As I said during my debate…
Mark Carney for President!
How come Canada gets a leader who’s a world-famous economist while we’re stuck with Natalie Harp’s barely-sentient boyfriend? Dean Obeidallah and I discuss the possibility of the USA becoming Canada’s eleventh province—and…
TBR’s Week in Photos
Algae-ridden Reflecting Pool Renamed “Lake Trump” Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images Leader of Free World Renamed “Mark Carney” Andrej Ivanov/Getty Images Flock of Canadian Geese Take Massive Shit on White House Gary Bendig on Unsplash…
Stephen Miller Rushed to Hospital After Accidentally Stunning Himself with ICE Shock Gloves
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In what was called “an experiment gone horribly awry,” on Thursday White House deputy chief of staff Stephen Miller tested a pair of ICE “shock gloves” on himself and inadvertently sent 380…