Low T? Pete Hegseth Has No T.
It’s been a week of humiliation for our no-testosterone Secretary of Defensiveness, whose Senate whine-fest (and inability to do a proper pull-up) made one thing clear: Fox News was smart to only let him out on weekends. I discuss this and much…
Hegseth Says His Naturally High Testosterone Has Helped Him Apply Makeup
John Lamparski/Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth on Wednesday credited his “super-high testosterone level” with his ability to apply “military-grade makeup.” “In order to be…
Canadian Prime Minister Tells Trump That Orange Air is a Tribute to Him
Kevin Carter/Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Seeking relief from the latest tariffs slapped on his nation’s goods, Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney told Donald J. Trump on Tuesday that the orange air blanketing regions of the…
Susan Collins Concerned That Maine Voters Might Remember Things She Has Done
Kevin Dietsch/Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Senator Susan Collins said on Monday that she is “deeply concerned” that voters in Maine might remember things she has done in office. “Maine voters are profoundly…
LEAKED: Suggested Slogans for Marco Rubio’s 2028 Campaign
Joe Raedle/Getty Images TBR EXCLUSIVE—The Borowitz Report has obtained the following top-secret memo from the Marco Rubio for President Committee, listing possible slogans for the Secretary of State’s 2028 campaign: Read more
When Jane Goodall Destroyed Elon Musk
Goodall with a far more interesting primate than Elon Musk. (Photo by SUMY SADURNI/AFP via Getty Images) When the world’s most admired woman was attacked by the world’s least interesting man, it was no contest. Like the millions of other…
Pam Bondi Upstages Todd Blanche Hearings by Releasing Naked Photos of Trump on Epstein’s Island
Win McNamee/Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Seeking revenge for her abrupt termination in April, on Wednesday former Attorney General Pam Bondi upstaged confirmation hearings for her nominated successor, Todd Blanche, by releasing a…
Mitch McConnell Trounces Trump on Cognitive Exam
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a brutal defeat for Donald J. Trump, Senator Mitch McConnell handily trounced him on a cognitive test administered to both men on Tuesday. According to an attending neurologist who spoke on condition of…
A Fact-based Lindsey Graham Obituary
Like many Americans, I mourn the sudden passing of Lindsey Graham. I had hoped he would live long enough to be tried for treason. Let me define my terms. A true traitor collaborates with the enemy despite knowing better. For that reason, someone like…
Communism According to Republicans
LMPC via Getty Images On July 4th, Donald J. Trump gave a rousing speech at the foot of Mount Rushmore, where he warned about a resurgence of a “communist menace.” After an exhaustive search, TBR could not find any evidence of a resurgence of…