Scientists Confirm Reggie Watts Has First Ego Psychedelics Can’t Kill
LOS ANGELES — A group of neuroscientists studying the effects of the psychedelic experience made a startling breakthrough recently, announcing this morning their discovery that comedic loops musician Reggie Watts possesses the only known ego in the world that stays completely intact no matter how many powerful hallucinogens it is exposed to.
“Frankly it’s confounding,” chief researcher Nathan Hartmann said at a panel earlier today. “There’s generally a point, even in the most self-absorbed drug user, where the ego starts breaking down, and the person is able to think outside of themselves for at least a few moments. In Reggie’s case, it seemed as if no amount of psychedelics that we introduced to his system was able to kill the ego inside. The ego seemed to get bigger and stronger with each dose, as if it were some evil spiritual Godzilla hellbent on letting everyone know how intelligent, deep-thinking, and completely unaccountable it was. Every time we were certain that Reggie was close to ego-death, he simply asked us for more drugs. You honestly need a degree to truly understand how scary that is.”
Former Reggie fan and aspiring comic Samuel Madsen was not shocked at all by this recent discovery
“A comedy buddy had gotten me into this private party, and when I realized the obnoxious haircut in the corner was Reggie Watts, I was pumped!” recalled the young comic. “I found some bravery and went over to tell him I was a big fan, and it was like talking to a wall that reeked of cheap incense. Then in a split second he went from literally not acknowledging my existence to offering me a bump of ketamine. I started politely telling him I’m not really a drug guy, and then he just stormed off shouting, ‘It will never work between us!’ He kept looking back as he walked away, like he was expecting me to chase after him? Like, that’s what he was used to? Anyway, he spent the rest of the night telling anyone who would do ketamine with him that I was a toxic hack.”
Reggie Watts himself, possibly under the influence of powerful drugs, accepted our offer to comment without the presence of his legal team.
“Ah, Ego. Yes. Ego is a word that exists in the mind and in books and everything in-between,” he explained in a mock British accent that wore out its welcome almost immediately. “The thing is, Ego is a form of consciousness, and consciousness allows us to look into ourselves to examine our ego, which helps us realize that we all share an ego that is a part of an expanded consciousness. I would like to think of myself as something of a Psychonaut, exploring the boundaries and intersections of creativity as not only a singular individual but as a conduit of boundless cosmic forces that permeate within, or more accurately abound throughout… Ah, where am I? Who are you? Where are my drugs?”
When asked to comment on his recent accusations of toxic and negligent behavior toward romantic partners, Watts suggested his critics try mellowing out on ketamine.
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