Coward Leaves Casino With $200 Left In Wallet
LAS VEGAS—Seemingly unbothered by his disgrace as he sauntered through the glass doors and onto the Las Vegas Strip, coward Kevin Lombardo reportedly left the Flamingo casino Friday even though he still had a full $200 in his wallet. “I sat there and…
Thousands Of IDs Misprinted With Random Man’s Face
More than 8,000 people in Michigan received IDs with a photo of a random smiling man printed on them, with officials stressing the photo is a generic non-resident. What do you think? “Nobody in Michigan would be smiling in their driver’s license.” Elroy…
Trump Enraged After Iran Renames Strait of Hormuz After JFK
Planet Volumes on Unsplash WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In yet another setback for Donald J. Trump, on Thursday Iran renamed the Strait of Hormuz after President John F. Kennedy. In a ceremonial unveiling, members of the Islamic Revolutionary…
Judge Judy Retires
Judge Judith Sheindlin, better known as Judge Judy, announced that she will step down from the bench after 30 years on TV, opting to pass the baton on to her son. What do you think? “I’ll miss flipping past her face for a moment while looking for…
Rob Schneider Files for Relevancy
WASHINGTON — Rob Schneider, once the famed pariah of SNL and star of such classic films as ‘Deuce Bigalow’ and ‘The Hot Chick,’ filed for relevancy after 25 years of blissful invisibility from our collective awareness, sources close to the…
Congress Passes $430,000/Hour Minimum Wage For Billionaires
The post Congress Passes $430,000/Hour Minimum Wage For Billionaires appeared first on The Onion.
It Is Unlawful For You To Refuse This Legal Tender, No Matter How Wet It Is
As a proud, hardworking American, I demand a certain amount of respect. I had hoped to spend part of my morning patronizing this small, locally owned café with the purchase of a coffee and pastry. But instead, I have been rudely informed that my money is…
Hole
The anxieties of the surface world are unceasing. Leave them behind and retreat into a subterranean existence. Dimensions unknown. Reference #547834 The post Hole appeared first on The Onion.
Emily Sadori and Caroline Fry
The couple finally said “I do” after several months of saying “Why the fuck are we doing this if we can’t even agree on a cake?” The post Emily Sadori and Caroline Fry appeared first on The Onion.
Dalai Lama Announces One-Year Residency Inside Body of Bruno Mars
DHARAMSHALA, INDIA—Touting it as an exciting limited engagement that would precede his next official reincarnation, His Holiness the Dalai Lama announced Wednesday that after his death he would participate in a one-year residency inside the body of Bruno…