It Is Unlawful For You To Refuse This Legal Tender, No Matter How Wet It Is

As a proud, hardworking American, I demand a certain amount of respect. I had hoped to spend part of my morning patronizing this small, locally owned café with the purchase of a coffee and pastry. But instead, I have been rudely informed that my money is not acceptable here, apparently for no other reason than because it happens to be extremely damp.

I’ll have you know it’s unlawful for you to refuse this legal tender, no matter how wet it is.

When I first entered this establishment, I did not ask for much. I walked in, said hello, and placed a simple order. Much to my surprise, I was told to please not “put wet money on the counter, sir.” To think, I was denied my basic rights as a citizen, all because my money was “sopping wet” and “dripping everywhere.” This despite me kindly attempting to wring it out on the floor in front of me. 

In my hand, I hold a $20 bill. Wet or dry, this $20 bill is still considered legal tender for all debts, public and private, in the eyes of the U.S. government. But apparently, in this “Coffee Haus,” federal laws do not apply! Here, cashiers play judge, jury, and executioner, and can hold my $20 bill between thumb and forefinger, look me up and down, and ask how I got so wet when it wasn’t even raining outside.

Yes, the bill was dry when it rolled off the press at the Bureau of Engraving and Printing. What may or may not have happened to it since then is none of your business.

The last time I checked, this was still the United States of America. And as such, I am entitled to spend this certified Federal Reserve note featuring Andrew Jackson, even if his portrait is sagging and darkened from how moist it’s become. Hear me now—my eyes may be covered by my sopping wet bangs, but you sir, are the one who cannot see! 

No, I will not lower my voice. I squelched in here, and I’m not squelching back out until I get the nine dollars and 65 cents worth of goods and services I deserve, specifically a black coffee and morning bun.

Unless, of course, you’d prefer we do this the hard way? I’m sure my lawyer would love to hear about how you ignored Title 31 Section 5103 of the U.S. Code (“Legal tender”), and repeatedly told me I had to leave the premises because the copious amounts of liquid I just coughed up onto the floor was somehow a safety hazard. In fact, I’ve got a smudged, partially disintegrated copy of the statute right here! I’d call the police, but my phone is too wet. 

You may mop up the puddle beneath me, but you cannot mop up injustice!

Sadly, this is not the first time I’ve encountered people like you, and it won’t be the last. You and your fellow employees can hide behind your aprons, your visors, and your cash register! You can put a “Caution: Wet Floor” sign at my feet, but you cannot take my humanity! I may have just found a dead fish in my pocket, but unlike you, at least I have my dignity.

Actually, on second thought, I could also pay by check. Or does that need to be dry too? 

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