Wanted: Graphic Designer to Fix Our AI-Generated Show Flyer
Looking for a talented, experienced graphic designer to fix our AI-generated show flyers immediately. We discovered after getting 2,000 flyers back from the printer that it’s an abomination, despite our manager claiming the prompts he put into Chat GPT…
Iggy Pop’s Merch Booth Doesn’t Sell T-Shirts
CHICAGO — The merch booth for Iggy Pop reportedly doesn’t sell t-shirts of the iconic musician, confirmed sources who were looking for a size medium, if possible. “We adhere to a strict ‘no shirts’ rule here, just like Iggy would’ve wanted,” said merch…
Everything We Know About ‘Grand Theft Auto VI’ So Far
After two delays, the highly anticipated Grand Theft Auto VI will be released this November. Here is everything we know about the game so far. Open-world activities include playing volleyball, chess, cards, or GTA V Gunshot sound effects performed by Sir…
FBI Moves To Raise Murder Rate For First Time Since 2023
WASHINGTON—Insisting that the adjustment was long overdue, the Federal Bureau of Investigation announced Thursday that it would raise the national murder rate for the first time since 2023. “For far too long, prior administrations succumbed to pressure…
The NFL Concussion Protocol: How The League Determines If A Player Can Return To The Game
Here are the steps the NFL follows to evaluate head injuries. Step 1: Player receives devastating helmet-to-helmet hit that leaves him motionless for 46 seconds Step 2: Spotter initiates protocol after noticing entire offense kneeling in prayer beside…
Mitch McConnell Returns To Capitol Hill In Jar Of Formaldehyde
The post Mitch McConnell Returns To Capitol Hill In Jar Of Formaldehyde appeared first on The Onion.
Barefoot Ed Sheeran Introduces Sock Puppets That Will Open For Him On Tour
PHILADELPHIA—Shambling barefoot into a press conference to promote his next show, English artist Ed Sheeran introduced reporters Thursday to the sock puppets he had booked to open for him on his stadium tour. “This is, uh, Jimmy and his songwriting…
Tyler Neiman
A totally oblivious Tyler Neiman, 29, will be killed Wednesday while commuting home from his bowling league. Though still alive for now, he will be missed. The post Tyler Neiman appeared first on The Onion.
Dad Races Outside To Witness Delivery Of Neighbor’s Mulch
GREENSBORO, NC—Bursting through the front door before the piled-high dump truck even came to a complete stop, local dad Glenn Stevenson reportedly raced outside Tuesday to witness the delivery of his neighbor’s mulch. “Well, well, well—unless my eyes…
Coward Leaves Casino With $200 Left In Wallet
LAS VEGAS—Seemingly unbothered by his disgrace as he sauntered through the glass doors and onto the Las Vegas Strip, coward Kevin Lombardo reportedly left the Flamingo casino Friday even though he still had a full $200 in his wallet. “I sat there and…