Anarchist Bakery Proudly Draft Dodger Owned
SEATTLE — Local unsuccessful bakery The Communist Mani-Feast-O is reportedly proudly 100% owned by individuals who have not served in a single American war by force, sources who don’t seem like they’d be a lot of fun at a party confirmed. “We started…
Who’s Elise Stefanik Sucking up to Now?
A rare moment during the 2019 impeachment inquiry when Stefanik’s mouth was shut. (Tom Williams/CQ-Roll Call, Inc via Getty Images) Poor Elise Stefanik. She spent a decade strenuously sucking up to Donald Trump and came up empty. Now she’s…
Pope Says Church Will Relax Stance on Birth Control When it Comes to JD Vance
Simone Risoluti Vatican Media via Vatican Pool/Getty Images VATICAN CITY (The Borowitz Report)—In a stunning break with centuries of Catholic doctrine, on Wednesday Pope Leo XIV announced that the Church would relax its prohibition against birth…
Hegseth Freaks Out After Testing Positive for Estrogen
Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly “exploded with rage” on Tuesday after a blood test he had required for all service members over 30 showed that he had…
Unconscious Mitch McConnell Scores Higher Approval Rating Than Conscious Version
Andrew Harnik/Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an unprecedented political comeback, the entirely unconscious Mitch McConnell has garnered a vastly higher approval rating than the conscious version, a new poll revealed on Monday.…
The Logic Behind Trump’s Saudi Nuclear Deal, Applied to Other Situations
What could go wrong? (Photo: Win McNamee/Getty Images) With the Iran War reignited, Donald Trump has turned his attention from denuclearizing Iran towards nuclearizing Saudi Arabia. On Wednesday, he struck a deal that will allow the Saudis to develop…
Low T? Pete Hegseth Has No T.
It’s been a week of humiliation for our no-testosterone Secretary of Defensiveness, whose Senate whine-fest (and inability to do a proper pull-up) made one thing clear: Fox News was smart to only let him out on weekends. I discuss this and much…
Hegseth Says His Naturally High Testosterone Has Helped Him Apply Makeup
John Lamparski/Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth on Wednesday credited his “super-high testosterone level” with his ability to apply “military-grade makeup.” “In order to be…
Canadian Prime Minister Tells Trump That Orange Air is a Tribute to Him
Kevin Carter/Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Seeking relief from the latest tariffs slapped on his nation’s goods, Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney told Donald J. Trump on Tuesday that the orange air blanketing regions of the…
Susan Collins Concerned That Maine Voters Might Remember Things She Has Done
Kevin Dietsch/Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Senator Susan Collins said on Monday that she is “deeply concerned” that voters in Maine might remember things she has done in office. “Maine voters are profoundly…