Fox Glad White House Ban Only Applies to News Networks
Jeenah Moon for The Washington Post via Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Fox News Channel’s top executive said on Monday that the company was “deeply relieved” to learn that the White House’s media ban would…
I Collect Physical Media To Maintain History and Also Because I Fucking Love Shelves
Physical media is essential. By purchasing physical media, we are preserving history in the face of the forces that want to erase it or remove it from streaming. I am a warrior for preservation. I also just fucking love shelves. Sure, I like movies just…
‘90s Grunge Singers Added to Endangered Species List
WASHINGTON — The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service announced that they have added ‘90s grunge singers to the list of endangered species, confirmed sources. “Black rhinos, sea turtles, and guys who sang ‘Even Flow’ in 1992. We need to be…
Report: Other Tailgate Looks More Fun
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—After divvying up a Bud Light six-pack and soggy Subway sandwiches purchased at an I-87 rest stop, a glum group of tailgaters in Section J of the MetLife Stadium parking lot confirmed Sunday that the tailgate across from them looked…
Survey Finds 1 In 3 Americans With Health Insurance Have Medical Debt
A new survey found that one third of Americans who have health coverage still have medical debt that they are paying off over time. What do you think? “Yeah, but the other two out of three are probably living high off the hog.” Ernie Prince, Biscuit…
Five Black Metal Shirts That’ll Definitely Get You Kicked Out of That Christian Youth Group Your Parents Made You Join
Ugh, goddamnit. Looks like Mom and Dad found that eighth you were storing under your mattress, and they got it in their heads that you need some wholesome, godly activities to fill your time. Now your Thursday nights are spent over at St. Agnes Parish,…
Make-A-Wish Kid Spends Bulk of Pittsburgh Steelers Visit Being Lectured by Aaron Rodgers About Chemtrails
PITTSBURGH — Local Make-A-Wish kid Dalton Kelley unfortunately spent the vast majority of his visit to Steelers camp being lectured by 42-year-old quarterback and conspiracy theorist Aaron Rodgers about chemtrails, confirmed sources. “See, the…
Is America’s Crummiest Political Dynasty About to Bite the Dust?
If anyone can put a fork in the Sununu dynasty, it’s John E. Sununu. (Photo: CJ Gunther/Getty Images) Welcome to The Borowitz Report’s newest premium feature, TBR Midterms HQ. Between now and November, we’ll offer deep dives into the…
Obama Family Dog Passes Away
Former President Barack Obama announced that his family’s Portuguese water dog Sunny, which they got in 2013 during their time in the White House, has passed away. What do you think? “A house without 18 acres of lawn is no suitable environment for a pet…
Holy Fucking Shit! There’s Been a Person in This Parked Car Next to Me the Entire Time
Jonathan Lipnicki! That’s that little fucker’s name; I knew I would get it. I really should download the IMDB app. Just not right now; there’s not enough time. La di doo la di dee…Holy fucking shit! Wow, ok, there is fully a person in the passenger…