Algorithm Distorting How Important Man Thinks ‘Gummo’ Is To Rest Of World
PLAISTOW, NH—Blaming their friend’s personalized internet feed for his warped perception of the film’s impact, sources confirmed Wednesday that the algorithm presented to local man Todd Bennett had been distorting how important he thinks Gummo is to the…
Woke Gone Too Far: This Tattoo Artist Refuses to Draw My Cybersigilsm Design Solely Because It Looks Like Shit
First, they cancelled Louis C.K., and I said nothing. Next, they put fewer white actors in Roomba commercials, and I said nothing. Then, they attacked Roald Dahl, and I said something, but it was actually kind of supportive because I hate censorship, but…
American Medical Association: ‘Huge Biceps Are Only Thing That Matters’
CHICAGO—Granting the public permission to disregard the organization’s previous recommendations, American Medical Association officials announced this week that huge biceps were now the only thing that mattered for health. “Rather than worrying…
Trump Bans CNN, MS NOW, Politico From White House Press Pool
President Trump banned news outlets CNN, MS NOW, and Politico from participating in the White House press pool, citing what he considers fake news coverage of himself. What do you think? “Yeah, lots of grandpas yell at cable news.” Jonah Gardner, Topiary…
‘What’s Happening Is Catastrophic and Unjustifiable,’ – Ed Sheeran Finally Breaks Silence About Ticket Sales
BOSTON — Ed Sheeran finally broke his silence to address the controversy surrounding his embattled 2026 tour following his supporting acts’ dismissal for expressing anti-genocide views about the conflict in Gaza, sources confirmed. “The opening acts,…
TBR Cartoon of the Week!
Introducing a new TBR feature: Cartoon of the Week! This week’s is by Paul Noth, who has contributed over 400 cartoons to The New Yorker since 2004. In 2025, he became only the second cartoonist to win The Thurber Prize for American Humor in…
God Announces Departure From ‘Secret Lives Of Mormon Wives’
THE HEAVENS—Asserting that He’d had “enough of the drama,” the Lord God, Creator of Heaven and Earth, shocked fans Tuesday by announcing His abrupt departure from The Secret Lives Of Mormon Wives. “Though this series has been a huge part of My…
Private Equity Firm Buys Rainbows
NEW YORK — Local private equity firm Kohlberg Kravis & Roberts announced today that they have officially acquired the rights, access, licensing, and ownership of all sunlight that hits water droplets and refracts into a spectrum of colors, most…
Trump Proposes Installation Of Sniper Nest Atop Barron
WASHINGTON—Declaring the military fortifications an urgent matter of national security, President Donald Trump on Monday proposed the installation of a sniper nest atop his youngest son, Barron. “We’re going to set up Barron right there on…
Hard Times Left Out of White House Ban
Okay, this is honestly just weird. Frankly, we’re not sure how we got White House press passes to begin with; we filled for them as a joke, and somehow it worked. Frankly, it’s almost insulting that while CNN, MS NOW, and Politico have been banned from…