Italian Nu-Metal Singer Does It All for the Gnocchi
ROME — Italian nu-metal singer Frederico Durstino from the band Limpico Bizcotti needs his fans to know that he’s doing it all for the gnocchi, according to several hungry sources. “You can call me a chumpino if you want, but like most Italians I’m…
Rockstar Leaks Worsen As Hackers Release Fully Playable Copy Of ‘GTA IX’
EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND—Sending the publisher scrambling to protect trade secrets related to the hotly anticipated project, leaks from Rockstar Games worsened Friday as hackers released a fully playable copy of Grand Theft Auto IX. “It’s heartbreaking…
Vance Says World War 2 Wasn’t a “War”
Kevin Dietsch/Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—JD Vance raised eyebrows at a White House press briefing on Friday by telling reporters that he “wouldn’t call World War 2 a war.” “When that supposed ‘world…
God Struggling To Remember Why He Made So Many Ugly People
THE HEAVENS—Scratching His head and rifling through His notes as He tried to recall His reasoning for the decision, The Lord God, Supreme Creator of the Universe, reportedly struggled to remember on Friday why He made so many ugly people. “I could have…
Home Heeled Advantage
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What To Know About ‘Earle Meets World’
Influencer Alix Earle is the star of Netflix’s newest reality show, Earle Meets World. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the series. Q: Who is Alix Earle? A: Alix is a Gen Z content creator known for eating expired military rations. Q: I…
PBR Offers $20,000 Reward For Lost Beer
The CEO of Pabst Brewing Co. put up a $20,000 reward to anyone who could provide information that leads to the recovery of 1,602 missing cases of Pabst Blue Ribbon and non-alcoholic Old Milwaukee beers. What do you think? “Sorry, that PBR’s long since…
MapQuest Jumps To Top Of App Store After Refusing To Rename ‘Lake Ontario’
Legacy mapping tool MapQuest shot up to become the top navigation app in Apple’s app store after refusing to comply with President Trump’s executive order renaming “Lake Ontario” to “Lake America,” overtaking Google Maps, Waze, and Apple Maps. What do…
Manosphere Mourns Death of Gloria Steinem, Founder of MS. Magazine, by Asking Why Isn’t There a Mr. Magazine
LOS ANGELES — In the wake of the passing of Gloria Steinem, the groundbreaking journalist and feminist icon who founded Ms. Magazine, many prominent male podcasters of the manosphere ecosystem have paid tribute to her legacy by asking, “Wait, why…
Gloria Steinem, Researcher Who Discovered Existence Of Women, Dead At 92
The post Gloria Steinem, Researcher Who Discovered Existence Of Women, Dead At 92 appeared first on The Onion.