Pete Hegseth Announces All Young Men Will Be Drafted to Either RAW or SmackDown
WASHINGTON — The United States Secretary of War Pete Hegseth held a press conference this week to clarify plans, as directed by the president, on how a military draft will be executed and organized. “It’s no secret that we already have the most…
Grieving Widower Not Sure He’ll Ever Love Someone His Age Again
FORT LAUDERDALE, FL—Tearfully admitting that he had been lost since his wife Linda died, grieving widower Anthony Greenwich told reporters Wednesday that he wasn’t sure he’d ever love someone his age again. “Linda was truly one of a…
America’s Funniest Governor
Bettmann/Getty Images Last week when I paid tribute to Molly Ivins, many readers said they wished someone would do the same for Molly’s good friend and partner-in-liberalism, Texas Governor Ann Richards (1933-2006). Richards became instantly famous…
What To Know About Starbase, Louisiana
SpaceX recently unveiled plans to construct a $100 billion spaceport in Louisiana, which CEO Elon Musk has said will be “the biggest launch site on Earth.” The Onion shares everything you need to know about the facility. Q: Why Louisiana A: To give…
AI Strategist Suggests Calling Data Centers ‘Computer Parties’
SAN FRANCISCO—Claiming that the small adjustment would be an effective way to bolster public support, artificial intelligence strategist Mark Freeling advised tech firms Tuesday to start calling data centers “computer parties.” “While…
Novelist Was Clearly Betrayed By A Vampire In His Past
ARLINGTON, TX—Noting the text was “chock-full” of anti-vampire bias, local woman Anna Lambert told reporters Tuesday that the author of the book she was reading had clearly been betrayed by a vampire in his past. “He definitely has an ax to grind,…
Jets Hope To Sell More Merchandise With New ‘Philadelphia Eagles’–Themed Jerseys
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Hoping that imagery strongly associated with success and winning will reignite fan enthusiasm, the New York Jets unveiled a line of “Philadelphia Eagles”–themed alternate jerseys Thursday in an effort to boost merchandise…
Man Watches In Silence As Wife Reveals All The Things She Brought Home From Store That Aren’t Cheez-Its
CARLSBAD, CA—Desperately scanning the kitchen counter for anything besides a fruit or vegetable, local man Jeremy Drummond watched in silence Tuesday as his wife revealed all the things she brought home from the store that weren’t Cheez-Its.…
Activists Decry Meat Industry’s Practice Of Separating Calves From Their Cool Uncles
NEW YORK—Condemning the widespread practice as “cruel and inhumane,” animal rights activists reportedly made comments Tuesday decrying the meat industry for separating calves from their cool uncles. “It should shock our collective conscience that calves…
Mike Johnson Begs God to Rapture Him Before Midterms
Alex Wong/Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Facing a Republican wipeout in November, on Tuesday House Speaker Mike Johnson begged God to “rapture him up” before the midterm elections. Witnesses in the US Capitol reportedly…