Phoebe Bridgers Sends Warning To Fans By Executing Phone On Stage
SALT LAKE CITY—Emphasizing that the ban on electronic recording devices was a rule, not a suggestion, singer-songwriter Phoebe Bridgers reportedly sent a warning to fans at the Delta Center on Wednesday by executing a phone on stage. “Well, well, well,…
Executive Order Designates Shaking Empty Beer Can At Wife As Official Language Of U.S.
WASHINGTON—In a new attempt to promote efficiency and unity in the way the Americans communicate, President Donald Trump issued an executive order Wednesday that designated shaking an empty beer can at one’s wife as the official language of the United…
Fans Worry Achilles Tear May Not Be End Of Ben Simmons’ Career
The post Fans Worry Achilles Tear May Not Be End Of Ben Simmons’ Career appeared first on The Onion.
AOC Tidies Up In Case Federal Agents Stop By For Raid
NEW YORK—Frantically fluffing pillows and folding blankets in preparation for unannounced visitors, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was spotted tidying up her apartment this week in case federal agents stopped by for a raid. “You never know when you’re…
Is Pete Hegseth’s Bold Pledge To ‘Kill Everyone’ By 2028 An Unrealistic Pipe Dream?
The post Is Pete Hegseth’s Bold Pledge To ‘Kill Everyone’ By 2028 An Unrealistic Pipe Dream? appeared first on The Onion.
‘Whalefall’ Writer Reveals Story Inspired By Time He Ate A Scuba Diver
LOS ANGELES—Noting that one’s own life often provided the best material, Whalefall novelist and screenwriter Daniel Kraus revealed Tuesday that the story was inspired by the time he ate a scuba diver. “My best writing usually comes from a personal…
Druid Loving This Cloak Weather
HILL OF TARA, IRELAND—Visibly beaming as he took in the crisp weather and mist-swathed heath on his way to the stone circle, local druid Fográith of the Mountains announced Friday that he was really loving this cloak weather. “Oh man, there’s nothing…
LeBron James Squeezes Eyes Shut To Avoid Catching Glimpse Of Philadelphia During Commute
The post LeBron James Squeezes Eyes Shut To Avoid Catching Glimpse Of Philadelphia During Commute appeared first on The Onion.
Trump Boasts Tariffs A Huge Success At Making Things Expensive
WASHINGTON—Touting the enormous impact his trade policy has had on the economy, President Donald Trump boasted in a speech Monday that the tariffs he had imposed on goods from other countries had proven highly successful at making things more expensive.…
‘I’ll Need A Gift Receipt,’ Lies Man Buying $270 ‘Lord Of The Rings’ Lego Set
The post ‘I’ll Need A Gift Receipt,’ Lies Man Buying $270 ‘Lord Of The Rings’ Lego Set appeared first on The Onion.