Years Of Learning To Love Self Undone By Single Glimpse Of Body In Self-Checkout Camera
SAN DIEGO—The brief moment proving to be all that was necessary to completely eviscerate her self image, area woman Alena Reese reportedly had years of learning to love herself undone Monday by a single glimpse of her body in the self-checkout camera at…
Career Experts Advise Job Applicants To Send Interviewer Follow-Up Blackmail
NEW YORK—Stressing the importance of circling back to how much a prospective employer has to lose if they don’t follow instructions, a group of career experts issued a recommendation Monday advising job candidates to send their interviewer a…
Midterm Races To Watch In 2026
As the race for control of Congress heats up, politicians on both sides of the aisle are making their case to the American people. The Onion highlights the most pivotal contests to watch in the 2026 election cycle. Abdul El-Sayed vs. Mike Rogers (Senate,…
Luxury Doomsday Bunkers Gain Popularity Among Ultra-Wealthy
Ultra-wealthy families are constructing luxury doomsday bunkers with amenities ranging from gyms and spas to meditation rooms and movie theaters, the boom coming amid the backdrop of growing geopolitical turmoil and the rise of AI. What do you think?…
CIA Experiencing Mass Exodus
The Central Intelligence Agency is experiencing a historic surge of departures as the Trump administration pushes veteran officers to resign or retire. What do you think? “So that’s why I keep seeing #OpenToSpy banners on LinkedIn.” Lynn Mysyk, Boot…
Tips For Reducing Sodium Intake
With millions of Americans consuming far more sodium than is recommended by doctors, many are looking for ways to cut back. The Onion shares tips for lowering the amount of salt in your diet. Stay away from foods with red-flag terms on the label like…
Powerball Adds Essay Section
CLIVE, IA—In an effort to make their selection process more robust and holistic, officials at the multistate lottery game Powerball announced Friday the addition of an essay section. “In order to learn more about the wide range of people interested in…
DC Clarifies ‘Clayface’ Not Connected To Matt Reeves’ ‘Batman’ Unless It Actually Is
BURBANK, CA—Attempting to outline plans for their cinematic universe to fans, producers at DC Studios clarified in a press statement Friday that the new film Clayface was not connected to Matt Reeves’ The Batman, unless they decided it actually was.…
Increasingly Healthy Pope Asserts He Will Soon Be Strong Enough To Battle God
VATICAN CITY—In the latest sign that his health continues to improve, Pope Leo XIV declared Friday in an address to Catholics around the world that he would soon be strong enough to battle God. “To the faithful gathered here, thank you for your…
Dad Losing His Fucking Mind Over Box Seat Amenities
CHICAGO—Dashing from station to station in a state of pure delirium as he gazed upon the endless spread of complimentary food and drinks, local dad Bruce Etheridge was reportedly losing his fucking mind Tuesday over the box suite amenities at a…