Trump Claims 9/11 Attacks Happening Every Day In Democratic Cities
WASHINGTON—Saying the tragic events of 25 years ago were just the beginning in the nation’s blue states, President Donald Trump claimed Thursday that 9/11 attacks were happening every single day in Democratic cities. “You go to Seattle or…
The World According to Harp
The post The World According to Harp appeared first on The Onion.
Biggest Revelations From ‘Musk’
Musk, a new documentary about the SpaceX and Tesla CEO by Oscar winner Alex Gibney, premiered at the Venice Film Festival this week. Here is what the film revealed about Elon Musk: Was a bit of a loner as an adult Flew to Belgium in 2012 to undergo…
Trump Claims He Was Falling Man
WASHINGTON—Saying America could frankly be more grateful for the enduring image he provided, President Donald Trump claimed Wednesday that he was the previously unidentified Falling Man captured midair in an iconic photograph taken on 9/11. “I was…
Linda Westerman
Linda Westerman, 53, died Sunday but seriously looks so good you cannot even tell that she’s dead. The post Linda Westerman appeared first on The Onion.
Beef Tallow Homunculus Escapes From HHS Building
WASHINGTON—Revealing that the humanoid abomination seemed to have used the lubrication from its own body to slip through the bars of its enclosure, officials from the Department of Health and Human Services confirmed Tuesday that a beef tallow homunculus…
I Want Kids So I’ll Have Someone To Take Care Of Me When I Get Hammered
More people than ever are eschewing parenthood, and if you talk to my peers, they’ll readily tell you why. They’ll say it’s too expensive, or boast about how they’d rather focus on traveling or their careers. Some will even argue it’s unethical. Well,…
Democracy Files For Chapter 11 Bankruptcy
The post Democracy Files For Chapter 11 Bankruptcy appeared first on The Onion.
‘Heated Rivalry’ Producers Tease Season 2 Arc In Which Ilya Diagnosed With Depression Only Blow Jobs Can Cure
TORONTO—Sharing new details about what fans could expect next from the hit series, Heated Rivalry producers teased Wednesday that Season 2 would follow an arc in which character Ilya Rozanov is diagnosed with a form of depression only curable via blow…
Groom’s Wedding Vows Just Pledge Of Allegiance
The post Groom’s Wedding Vows Just Pledge Of Allegiance appeared first on The Onion.