AI Strategist Suggests Calling Data Centers ‘Computer Parties’
SAN FRANCISCO—Claiming that the small adjustment would be an effective way to bolster public support, artificial intelligence strategist Mark Freeling advised tech firms Tuesday to start calling data centers “computer parties.” “While…
Novelist Was Clearly Betrayed By A Vampire In His Past
ARLINGTON, TX—Noting the text was “chock-full” of anti-vampire bias, local woman Anna Lambert told reporters Tuesday that the author of the book she was reading had clearly been betrayed by a vampire in his past. “He definitely has an ax to grind,…
Man Watches In Silence As Wife Reveals All The Things She Brought Home From Store That Aren’t Cheez-Its
CARLSBAD, CA—Desperately scanning the kitchen counter for anything besides a fruit or vegetable, local man Jeremy Drummond watched in silence Tuesday as his wife revealed all the things she brought home from the store that weren’t Cheez-Its.…
Activists Decry Meat Industry’s Practice Of Separating Calves From Their Cool Uncles
NEW YORK—Condemning the widespread practice as “cruel and inhumane,” animal rights activists reportedly made comments Tuesday decrying the meat industry for separating calves from their cool uncles. “It should shock our collective conscience that calves…
Jets Hope To Sell More Merchandise With New ‘Philadelphia Eagles’–Themed Jerseys
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Hoping that imagery strongly associated with success and winning will reignite fan enthusiasm, the New York Jets unveiled a line of “Philadelphia Eagles”–themed alternate jerseys Thursday in an effort to boost merchandise…
‘Wall Street Journal’ Defends Decision To Publish Peggy Noonan–Generated Article
NEW YORK—Justifying the move as simply the next stage in journalism’s continual evolution, The Wall Street Journal on Monday defended its decision to publish a Peggy Noonan–generated article. “No matter how much you want to hold back the…
Sixers Front Office Startled By How Quickly Jaylen Brown Converted Rest Of Team To Islam
PHILADELPHIA—Admitting they had not expected the star forward to have such an immediate impact on the team, Philadelphia 76ers officials told reporters Monday they were taken aback by how quickly Jaylen Brown had converted nearly the entire roster to…
Nation’s Quiet, Gangly Kids In Cargo Pants Announce Plans To Be Freakishly Good At Cross Country
AURORA, IL—Confirming they would soon emerge from the nation’s basements, computer labs, and AP History classrooms to dominate 5K courses across the nation, America’s quiet, gangly kids in cargo pants announced Wednesday that they planned to be…
Dept. Of Interior Sets Aside 2.3 Million Acres For Future Trumps To Enjoy
WASHINGTON—Calling the act a forward-looking attempt to preserve the nation’s most precious natural treasures for the president’s descendants, the Department of the Interior announced Monday that it would set aside a 2.3-million-acre stretch…
When I Die, Feed Me To Something Majestic
In my 100 years, I’ve been favored with good health, time with loved ones, and a long, fulfilling career. There are many things for which I am grateful, not least of which is the opportunity to travel this astonishing planet, witness its wondrous…