‘Now My Breasts Are Over Here,’ Announces Sydney Sweeney Peeking Out From Oak Tree
LOS ANGELES—Peeking out from behind the trunk with a mischievous grin on her face, actress Sydney Sweeney announced, “Now my breasts are over here!” from behind an old oak tree Friday. “He-he, it’s me,” said the 29-year-old Euphoria and Anyone But You…
Plan To Splurge Scrapped On Account Of Price
SAN FRANCISCO—Immediately reconsidering her decision to treat herself to a little spending spree upon seeing how much it would cost, local woman Christina Rogers reportedly scrapped her plan to splurge Thursday on account of the price. “I told myself I…
Mom Making Her Birthday All About Her
DAVENPORT, IA—In a shocking and distressing display of self-centered behavior on “this day of all days,” the grown children of Lynn Sullivan confirmed Thursday that their mom was making her birthday entirely about her. “It’s just ‘me, me,…
Nathan Fielder Quietly Deletes Footage Of Theranos Machine Working Perfectly
The post Nathan Fielder Quietly Deletes Footage Of Theranos Machine Working Perfectly appeared first on The Onion.
The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Elizabeth Holmes
You Can See Everything, a documentary that follows Theranos founder Elizabeth Holmes in the month before her prison sentence, has debuted to critical acclaim. The Onion sat down with Holmes to discuss what’s new. The Onion : Can we get you anything…
Pelicans Announce Upcoming ‘Basketball Night’
NEW ORLEANS—In an effort to boost attendance and reach new fans, the New Orleans Pelicans announced Tuesday an upcoming “Basketball Night” promotion honoring the popular sport. “Fans at the game on Mar. 11 will not only get to see their hometown…
Surgeons Amputate Wrong Leg
An Ohio woman sued a hospital after surgeons there allegedly amputated the wrong leg, mistakenly removing her left leg instead of the intended right. What do you think? “So they get no credit for leaving her arms attached?” José Ariceaga, Bingo Master…
Fired General Warned Of Missile Shortages Before Iran War
Gen. Randy George, the Army chief of staff since ousted by Defense Secretary Hegseth, warned of critically low stockpiles of U.S. interceptor missiles two months before the Iran War started, estimating the shortage would last until 2030. What do you…
Diagram Of A Patriot’s Brain
Diagram Of A Patriot’s Brain Beyond its laws and leaders, what has allowed the United States to prosper for so long is the unique physiology of its most ardent citizens. Here is a complete diagram of a patriot’s brain. Explore the brain in…
Whoever Says My Name On TV Gets My Vote
With the election fast approaching, the stakes for democracy couldn’t be clearer. We’re deciding the fate of our country for the next two years. Because of that, some voters will base their decisions purely on party. Others have specific issues in mind.…