Poll Finds Majority Of Republicans Support Unions
A new Gallup poll found that 52% of Republicans support labor unions in spite of GOP lawmakers’ continued push to stifle union priorities. What do you think? “We can’t count on all bosses to treat their workers as well as Donald Trump does.” Jeff Whitt,…
Nation’s Smart Toilets Begin Counting Down
WASHINGTON—Announcing “60… 59…58…” through their waterproof Bluetooth speakers in a booming, robotic voice that horrified millions of Americans across the country, the nation’s smart toilets have begun counting down, sources reported Wednesday. The…
Loretta Parodi and Sam Alcott
The bride and groom said they knew they were perfect together when they both failed to get any other matches on Hinge. The post Loretta Parodi and Sam Alcott appeared first on The Onion.
Commuter’s Dream
This charming 2-bedroom is technically walking distance from the local train station, in the sense that humans are physically capable of walking 41 miles without dying. Reference #633879 The post Commuter’s Dream appeared first on The Onion.
Marlins Announce First 10,000 Fans At Game Will Receive Sandy Alcantara Bobblehead To Share
MIAMI—Calling the promotion an exciting and cost-effective opportunity to honor one of the team’s star players, the Miami Marlins announced Tuesday that the first 10,000 ticketed fans to arrive at an upcoming home game would receive a single Sandy…
More Men Receiving Shock Wave Therapy For Erectile Dysfunction
The number of American men receiving low-energy sound waves to treat their erectile dysfunction is on the rise despite little evidence to support its use, claiming the procedure increases blood flow to the penis. What do you think? “I never miss a chance…
Health Speculations Swirl After Trump Slumps Over In Saddle Of Runaway Horse
WASHINGTON—Setting off a fresh wave of scrutiny over the commander-in-chief’s physical condition, speculations regarding President Donald Trump’s health swirled Tuesday after he slumped over in the saddle of a runaway horse. This afternoon the president…
Everything Finally Clicks For Man After Getting Diagnosed As Stupid
CARY, NC—Describing the experience as “a revelation,” 38-year-old Derrick Henard told reporters Wednesday that everything had finally clicked for him after he was given a diagnosis of stupid. “I remember googling the word ‘stupid’ for the first time,…
Agriculture Dept. Puts Trump’s Face On Soybeans
The post Agriculture Dept. Puts Trump’s Face On Soybeans appeared first on The Onion.
Shawn Graham
Family and friends of Shawn Graham, 56, were shocked and saddened to learn that it costs $300 to submit an obituary to a newspaper. The post Shawn Graham appeared first on The Onion.