NFL Announces One Player On Each Team Now Gets To Drive A Car
NEW YORK—Citing the fact that “cars are fast and everyone likes them” as justification for the new rule, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced Monday that one player on each team would now be permitted to drive a car during games. “Wouldn’t it be fun?…
Phoebe Bridgers Postpones Concert After Experiencing Twinge Of Happiness
INDIANAPOLIS—Profusely apologizing for the unexpected and last-minute cancellation, singer-songwriter Phoebe Bridgers announced Monday that she was postponing her show at Gainbridge Fieldhouse after experiencing a twinge of happiness. “I hate to do this,…
Fertility Experts Discover Rare Deep-Ball Sperm At Bottom Of Testes
BALTIMORE—In a major breakthrough that sheds new light on the still largely unexplored region, leading fertility experts at the Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine announced Friday that they had discovered rare deep-ball sperm at the bottom of…
God Horrified To Find Humans Eating Sacred, Omniscient Potatoes
THE HEAVENS—Shaking His head in disbelief as the color drained from His face, God, Our Heavenly Father, was reportedly horrified Monday to learn that humans had been consuming the sacred, omniscient potatoes He sent to earth. “Potatoes? As in the one…
Emmys Producers Warn Aging Stars Deadline For ‘In Memoriam’ Segment Midnight
LOS ANGELES—Emphasizing that late entries would not be tolerated, producers for the 78th Primetime Emmy Awards issued a statement Sunday warning aging stars that the deadline to be included in this year’s “In Memoriam” segment was midnight. “Our ‘In…
Sandra Bullock Regrets ‘Practical Magic 2’ After Realizing She Could’ve Just Had Dinner With Nicole Kidman
BEVERLY HILLS, CA—Expressing regret over her decision to star in and produce the film Practical Magic 2, co-lead Sandra Bullock told reporters Friday that she should have just had dinner with Nicole Kidman. “Honestly, when the studio came to me and asked…
Trump Promises To Take $5,000 From Every American If Democrats Win Midterm
The post Trump Promises To Take $5,000 From Every American If Democrats Win Midterm appeared first on The Onion.
Wired For Performance: The Cutting-Edge Tech Of NFL Uniforms
Wired For Performance: The Cutting-Edge Tech Of NFL Uniforms Onion Sports examines the incredible engineering in today’s NFL gear. Explore the uniform in detail Musk Compound Map BUILT-IN RADIO: LETS COACHES FEED PLAYERS CORRECT RESPONSES TO…
Savannah Bananas Commemorate 9/11 With Solemn ‘Macarena’ Performance
SAVANNAH, GA—In remembrance of the lives lost on that fateful day, sources confirmed that the roster of the Savannah Bananas took to the field prior to Friday’s game to commemorate the 25th anniversary of the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks with a solemn…
Boning Up
The post Boning Up appeared first on The Onion.