Ghosts and Gobblin’
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Pope Asserts There No Such Thing As Holy War
Pope Leo XIV denounced the idea that a war could be justified by religion, claiming only peace is holy. What do you think? “That’s fine. We’ve got plenty of other reasons to kill each other.” Josh Ashdot, Salvage Consultant “That’s not what God told me.”…
Mary Peltola Insists Scheme To Put Second Dan Sullivan On Ballot Orchestrated By Mary F. Peltola
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Republicans Privately Urging Trump To Not Be President Leading Up To Midterms
WASHINGTON—Saying the gesture would boost his party’s electoral prospects at a crucial moment, Republicans have been privately urging President Donald Trump to not be president in the run-up to next week’s midterms, sources confirmed today.…
Head Removed For National Anthem
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‘People’ Does Single Buddy A Solid By Naming Him Sexiest Man Alive
NEW YORK—In an effort to boost the local man’s self-esteem, People magazine reportedly did single buddy Dominic Johnson a favor Thursday by naming him the “Sexiest Man Alive.” “Sure, Sterling K. Brown or Alan Ritchson might have him beat in the…
What To Know About ‘Wicker’
Wicker, a new romantic fantasy film, stars Olivia Colman as a fisherwoman and Alexander Skarsgård as the husband who was created for her by a basket weaver. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the movie. Q: Who is this movie for? A: People…
Trump’s Eyes Roll Back After Receiving Vision Of Muscular Asses That Have Not Yet Come To Pass
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Trump Drowns In 2-Inch Puddle
WASHINGTON—Thrashing about in his navy blue suit as dirty water seeped into his mouth and nostrils, President Donald Trump reportedly drowned Wednesday in a two-inch puddle. Sources who wished to remain anonymous told reporters they observed Trump slip…
Stephen King’s Best And Worst Books
Stephen King’s Best And Worst Books Since 1974, Stephen King has published more than 65 novels and novellas. The Onion identifies the horror master’s five best and five worst works. Explore the list in detail Best Small Cujo The follow-up to…