Tyler Neiman
A totally oblivious Tyler Neiman, 29, will be killed Wednesday while commuting home from his bowling league. Though still alive for now, he will be missed. The post Tyler Neiman appeared first on The Onion.
Judge Judy Retires
Judge Judith Sheindlin, better known as Judge Judy, announced that she will step down from the bench after 30 years on TV, opting to pass the baton on to her son. What do you think? “I’ll miss flipping past her face for a moment while looking for…
Congress Passes $430,000/Hour Minimum Wage For Billionaires
The post Congress Passes $430,000/Hour Minimum Wage For Billionaires appeared first on The Onion.
It Is Unlawful For You To Refuse This Legal Tender, No Matter How Wet It Is
As a proud, hardworking American, I demand a certain amount of respect. I had hoped to spend part of my morning patronizing this small, locally owned café with the purchase of a coffee and pastry. But instead, I have been rudely informed that my money is…
Hole
The anxieties of the surface world are unceasing. Leave them behind and retreat into a subterranean existence. Dimensions unknown. Reference #547834 The post Hole appeared first on The Onion.
Emily Sadori and Caroline Fry
The couple finally said “I do” after several months of saying “Why the fuck are we doing this if we can’t even agree on a cake?” The post Emily Sadori and Caroline Fry appeared first on The Onion.
Dalai Lama Announces One-Year Residency Inside Body of Bruno Mars
DHARAMSHALA, INDIA—Touting it as an exciting limited engagement that would precede his next official reincarnation, His Holiness the Dalai Lama announced Wednesday that after his death he would participate in a one-year residency inside the body of Bruno…
Horrified Guests Begin Gagging As Dinner Host Reveals They’ve Been Eating USDA Beef
RICHMOND, VA—Feeling the half-chewed contents of their stomachs roil as they retched into their napkins, guests at a local dinner party began gagging Tuesday as their host revealed that they had been eating USDA beef. “I do hope you’ve been enjoying…
Blind Man Who Drove 150 Miles Drunk Avoids Jail
A blind man in the U.K. who drove his wife’s car 150 miles while drunk avoided prison time, despite not even having a license. What do you think? “He must have an incredible sense of smell.” Ritche Acevedo, Menu Approver “Now imagine how unstoppable he’d…
Jason Momoa Wakes Up Tied To Chair In Empty Warehouse With ‘Candy Crush Saga’ Movie Script
LOS ANGELES—Regaining consciousness just as a masked captor slapped him across the face with the script, actor Jason Momoa reportedly woke up Tuesday tied to a chair in an empty warehouse facing the screenplay for a Candy Crush Saga movie. “You are Mr.…