Nation Lines Up In Droves To Humiliate Nate Silver
WASHINGTON—In a united effort to fulfill their patriotic duty as Americans, the nation’s voters reportedly lined up in droves Tuesday to humiliate Nate Silver. “Little fuck thinks he’s so smart—I’ll show him,” said D.C. resident Jon Everett, one of 174…
Tips For Moving Abroad
Figuring out how to leave the United States and set up your life in another country can be complicated, confusing, and time-consuming. The Onion shares tips for moving abroad. Start by moving to an adjacent country and gradually work your way across the…
Haley Stevens Threatens To Endorse One Republican Every Hour Until Demands Met
DETROIT—Saying time was rapidly running out for candidates in her party to do the right thing, Rep. Haley Stevens (D-MI) threatened Monday to endorse a Republican every hour until her demands were met. “It’s almost 1 p.m., which means my…
Sports Betting By The Numbers
With the recent explosion of sportsbooks and prediction markets, interest in gambling on sports has never been higher. The Onion looks at the figures behind the boom in sports betting. $140,000 Parlay winnings if the basketball catches fire, then it…
Goateed Off
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Milwaukee Brewers Win First World Series
The Milwaukee Brewers clinched the World Series title over the Tampa Bay Rays in five games, marking the first championship in the franchise’s 57-year history. What do you think? “The AA meetings in Milwaukee are going to be extra empty this weekend.”…
Poll Finds More Americans Putting Out Cigarettes On Arm To Reclaim Sense Of Control
WASHINGTON—Revealing that the practice has surpassed quietly spinning the open cylinder of a revolver, a new poll published Monday found that more Americans were putting out cigarettes on their arm to reclaim a sense of control. “Our most recent survey…
Poll: Americans Likelier To Vote For Candidate Who Hasn’t Barged In On Them In Bathroom Stall
HAMDEN, CT—Suggesting the act raises serious questions among voters about a politician’s respect for the average citizen’s privacy, a poll out Monday from Quinnipiac University found that Americans are more likely to vote for candidates who…
Trump Designates Poll Watchers As 7th U.S. Military Branch
WASHINGTON—In a move he claimed was essential to maintaining domestic security, President Donald Trump formally designated poll watchers as the seventh branch of the U.S. military this week. “I am hereby authorizing the formation of America’s newest and…
Ask Not What Your Billionaire Pedophile Cabal Can Do For You, Ask What You Can Do For Your Billionaire Pedophile Cabal
On this, the momentous anniversary of our nation’s founding, I wish to devote a few words to the pivotal juncture at which our great republic now stands. Decisions made today will determine what kind of country your children inherit tomorrow. We must be…