Katherine Lee
The family of Katherine Lee, 35, asks that in lieu of flowers, mourners send any guesses about what her passwords might be. The post Katherine Lee appeared first on The Onion.
Virtuoso Grasshopper Absolutely Wailing On Leg
The post Virtuoso Grasshopper Absolutely Wailing On Leg appeared first on The Onion.
Video Game Prologue Still Going
CONCORD, MA—As he expressed alarm at still not having reached the title’s open world, local gamer Rudy Kelleher confirmed Tuesday that the prologue of his recently purchased video game was still going. “Christ, it’s been an hour and a half since I booted…
Casper Recalls Mattresses That Won’t Stop Expanding When Unboxed
NEW YORK—In an urgent step intended to protect customers and humanity itself from the company’s flagship product, Casper Sleep announced Tuesday an immediate recall of mattresses that won’t stop expanding once unboxed. “In response to thousands of…
NFL Veterans Offer Advice To This Year’s Rookie Class
NFL Veterans Offer Advice To This Year’s Rookie Class The transition from college football to the NFL can be difficult, so The Onion turned to some of the league’s most seasoned players for guidance on making the jump. Explore the list in detail…
Angels Set Off Fireworks To Celebrate Base Hit
The post Angels Set Off Fireworks To Celebrate Base Hit appeared first on The Onion.
Nervous Mariska Hargitay Calms Self Down By Picturing Audience Brutally Murdered
LOS ANGELES—Taking a deep breath as she peeked her head out from the wings of the Peacock Theater, Primetime Emmy Awards host Mariska Hargitay reportedly calmed her nerves before the show Monday evening by picturing the entire audience brutally murdered.…
Trump Promises Americans $5,000 If GOP Maintains Control Of Congress
President Trump promised a $5,000 “Trump Dividend” to every American adult should Republicans maintain control of both the House and the Senate after the midterm elections, which would likely cost over $1 trillion in total. What do you think? “Yes,…
Phoebe Bridgers Postpones Concert After Experiencing Twinge Of Happiness
INDIANAPOLIS—Profusely apologizing for the unexpected and last-minute cancellation, singer-songwriter Phoebe Bridgers announced Monday that she was postponing her show at Gainbridge Fieldhouse after experiencing a twinge of happiness. “I hate to do this,…
Fertility Experts Discover Rare Deep-Ball Sperm At Bottom Of Testes
BALTIMORE—In a major breakthrough that sheds new light on the still largely unexplored region, leading fertility experts at the Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine announced Friday that they had discovered rare deep-ball sperm at the bottom of…