Maybe It’s The Neurosyphilis Talking, But I’m Proud Of What America’s Become

You know, when the Founding Fathers embarked on the American experiment back in the day, I don’t think any of us could have imagined the country doing this well. It all seemed so strange and uncertain at the time, yet here we are, 250 years later and still going strong. And, say, maybe this is just the neurosyphilis talking, but I’m honestly quite proud of what America has become.

Now I know what you’re thinking: “Ol’ Ben’s gone and gotten one too many venereal diseases in his system and now he’s spilling his heart out in some gushy, sentimental lovefest.” And I’ll admit, the bacteria carving my brain into Swiss cheese may have loosened my tongue to some degree. But when it comes to upholding the founding ideals of these United States, I think you’ve been doing pretty darn spedactic, hang on, spegact, fuck, sorry, spedaggle ugh guhhhhhhhh…

Spectacularly. I think you’ve been upholding them spectacularly.

True, I’ve heard some people raise concerns about the mass incarceration, or the surveillance of our own citizens, or the general erosion of democracy and civil liberties, but—and I’ll qualify this by noting that I’m a little loopy off some chancred-up trim I scored back in the 1750s—I think that’s all fine. Good, even. I’m maybe rolling a few too many mercury treatments deep to break down the hows and whys of it all for you, but my gut’s saying that America’s great, and you could dose me with all the penicillin in the world and I’d still tell you the same thing.

Hell, chalk it up to my brain being swollen up plumper than those sweet French cans I caught scabies from back in Paris, but I’m even coming around on this whole “America is a Christian nation” thing, and I say that as a card-carrying deist. Sure, Jefferson and Madison might have written some stuff about separation of church and OW FUCK, MY BRAIN, excuse me, state. But I don’t know, I guess I think all that theocracy stuff’s just terrific, simple as that.

One nice thing about having a decades-long STI bore through your central nervous system is it keeps you from overthinking things.

Now, look—should I have been a little more diligent vetting all the pussy I got for inventing bifocals? Probably. Should I have wrapped my junk once or twice with some kind of lye-treated lamb intestine? Yeah, that coulda been smart. But now I’ve got pounding headaches and deafness and a skull the consistency of a wet graham cracker and, uh, huh, don’t remember where I was going with that. Maybe something about migrants or detention centers? I honestly have no idea. But, hey, that’s neurosyphilis for you!

Anyway, take this with a grain of salt on account of how my brain’s all pus now, but I think this nation is doing amazing. I’m proud of you, and I believe in you, and when I see that beautiful Stars and Stripes still waving after all these years, it truly brings a tear to my eye.

Ope, hang on, that’s blood. That’s a lot of blood. Still, though, the point stands. 

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