Male Bonding Win? No Women Showed Up for This Orgy, But We’re Having a Great Time Watching Old NFL Highlights Instead

In a time when men across the country are suffering from loneliness and isolation, the atmosphere that developed at tonight’s failed orgy can only be seen as an unexpected blessing.

A group of men were brought together by a shared desire to engage in what the Partiful invite described as a “no holds barred, no kinks refused” mania of sex and pleasure with free-spirited women. Instead, after zero women showed up, we experienced something even more rare and taboo in our culture than anonymous group sex: male camaraderie. 

Admittedly, we’re all thoroughly disappointed not to be living out our wildest sexual fantasies with a bunch of hot babes, but sitting here together watching old football highlights has been an absolute blast.

Hours ago we were strangers, awkwardly avoiding eye contact and checking the expiration dates on our condoms, anticipating a night of sexual debauchery. Now, we’re all friends, smiling and chatting as we watch highlights of Manning vs. Brady in the 2006 AFC Championship game. 

Our host’s large L-shaped couch was meant to be the centerpiece of the designated fuck area, but after it became clear that no women would be coming anywhere near this proposed orgy, it didn’t take long for us to gather around the 65-inch smart TV, open up YouTube, and start watching videos such as “LaDainian Tomlinson Best Career Touchdowns” and “Randy Moss Catches That Get Increasingly More Insane”.

We’re having a great time reminiscing about our favorite childhood players, debating which quarterbacks have a better legacy, and sharing observations like “Steve McNair was so underrated” and “prime Gronk was a cheat code”.

We’ve long since forgiven the orgy host’s failure to get even a single woman to come — despite his insistence that he had several firm “maybes” — and he’s actually become a crowd favorite after ordering wings and letting us help ourselves to the beer in his garage.

A somewhat heated argument between a Packers fan and a Bears fan has been the only blemish on our night of sports-based bonding, but the atmosphere was quickly calmed by playing a video of the funniest NFL bloopers of all time.

In the tolerant, open-minded spirit of the orgy we thought we’d be having, we’ve even let some guys put on non-football highlight clips, including videos of Dirk Nowitzki’s 2011 NBA playoffs run, Randy Johnson’s 20-strikeout game, and even—in a truly progressive moment—the top Premier League goals of the 2000s.

So while our sexual needs go unfulfilled, our emotional needs have been fully nourished. We may have missed out on a night of carnal indulgence with uninhibited women, but at this point, we don’t even care. We’ve made friendships. We’ve formed bonds. You can keep your dildos, lube, and large-breasted nymphomaniacs: I’ll take snacks, banter, and a room full of men watching a 40-minute recap of Super Bowl XLIV.

The post Male Bonding Win? No Women Showed Up for This Orgy, But We’re Having a Great Time Watching Old NFL Highlights Instead appeared first on HARDTIMES.