Chris Farley, George Wendt Welcome Da Coach, Mike Ditka, To Join Da Bears Talk in Da Heaven
CHICAGO — Mike Ditka, legendary Pro Football Hall of Famer better known as Da Coach of Da Bears, was welcomed to Da Heaven by two of his favorite fans, comedy icons Chris Farley and George Wendt, for a long-overdue episode of ‘Swerski’s Superfans.’…
Pentagon to Livestream Firing Squad Execution Exclusively on somethingrotten.com
ARLINGTON, Va. – Secretary of War Pete Hegseth announced that the firing squad execution of Fort Hood shooter Nidal Hasan on December 3rd will be publicly live-streamed on a newly revived somethingrotten.com, Pentagon officials have…
Inspiring: This Scientist Has Figured Out a Way To Feed Homeless Dogs Using Only Bill Maher Fans
With the tech industry forcing itself down our throats and finding new ways to disrupt our lives daily, it’s nice to remember that science can actually be used for good. There’s nothing more heartbreaking than a malnourished k9. Given that we can’t…
’90s Ghost Hard to Take Seriously in JNCOs
FENTON, Mo. — Local man Jason Miller is struggling to take the ghost haunting his home seriously after discovering the apparition wears an enormous pair of JNCO jeans and mostly wants to know what he missed in the fifth season of “The X-Files,” sources…
Probably Not a Good Sign: Cannibal Corpse Just Announced Their Next Album Will Need To Be Refrigerated
Even if you’re only tangentially aware of death metal, you’ve heard of Cannibal Corpse. These infamous sickos emerged in the early nineties with pummeling tracks covering such gruesome subject matter as torture and necrophilia. With song titles like…
Antichrist Deeply Uncomfortable With Perceived Connection to Peter Thiel
HELL — The Antichrist issued a sweeping denial of any relationship with Peter Thiel this Wednesday following numerous remarks made by the Silicon Valley billionaire that thrust the false prophet into the spotlight, fueling speculation that the two may…
Help! My Housecleaner Is the Little Old Lady From “Poltergeist”, and She’s Half-Assing Every Chore
Though my rent is so high that I can’t afford toothpaste, I recently hired the little old lady from “Poltergeist” to clean once a week. I’ve never seen the movie (I know, I know; it’s on my list!), but I had high expectations of Tangina based on the fact…
49ers Owner Suspended From Doing Whatever It Is Owners Do
SANTA CLARA, California — In response to a recent prostitution-related arrest, the NFL has suspended San Francisco 49ers owner Jed York for the next six games, although it’s unclear what York is suspended from. “To clarify, Mr. York is not suspended from…
Artist Excited to See What Completely Irrelevant Heated Argument Will Take Place in Comment Section of New Post
LOS ANGELES — Multidisciplinary artist Larry Berry is excited to see what completely irrelevant heated argument will take place in the comment section of a new Instagram post, eager sources confirmed. “My work is a lot about my own struggles with mental…
Jam Band Fan Swears They Like Good Music Too
DENVER — Local jam band connoisseur Trent Gordon recently found himself in the position of defending his musical tastes, confirmed sources. “Listen, I can’t help that I like jam bands. I got hooked on them in high school and haven’t been able to shake…