‘I Could Fight a Bear,’ Says Man Who Can’t Call Out Rapist Friend
AUSTIN, Texas — Local man Brad Callahan confirmed Tuesday that he could absolutely take a full-grown grizzly in unarmed combat, moments before declining to send a single text message to a longtime friend recently charged with rape, confirmed sources.…
Shane Gillis Issues Apology Statement: ‘It’s Like Nobody Even Heard the Part About My Fat Bitch Sisters!’
Shane Gillis, affectionately known among his peers as a “Wet Egg,” addressed recent backlash over his SNL monologue where he referred to women at a gym he allegedly visited as “whores”, insisting that claims of misogyny were baseless, out of context, and…
Death Toll of Online Girlfriends Soars After Air Strike on Russian Data Center
SASOVO, Russia – The death toll of the internet’s online girlfriends is expected to soar into the tens of thousands by week’s end after Ukraine’s devastating drone attack that left a Russian data center completely obliterated, right-wing…
It Is Time We Stop Sexualizing Sargon, Emperor of the Akkadian Empire and First Unifier of the Mesopotamian City-State
Uruk — Seriously: The Sargon thirst has gone too far. We get it. Really, we do. Sargon was a prolific conqueror, uniting the major city-states of Mesopotamia under one banner to create the first empire in human history. His bravery and vitality won him…
Opinion: If You Want to Fuck My Daughter, You’re Gonna Have to Fuck Me First
Think you’re gonna take my daughter out for a date? I know where your mind’s at, son. In the gutter, just like mine was at your age. All men are alike, from priests to paramedics, I know it. Mister, if you want to have a roll in the hay with my…
Nation’s Xylophones Sit Dusty After Overly Optimistic ‘Gone Daddy Gone’ Boom
UNITED STATES — A secret collection of neglected xylophones hidden in American basements that were purchased after the release of Violent Femmes’ hit “Gone Daddy Gone” has been gathering dust since the early ’80s, sources confirmed. “The boys and I…
Jeep Owner With ‘Not All Who Wander Are Lost’ Tire Cover Proudly Hasn’t Left Home State in 30 Years
WALLINGFORD, Conn. — Local 48-year-old data analyst and father of three Joel Lafleur has never left the Constitution State despite being a proud owner of a Jeep with a “Not All Who Wander Are Lost” tire cover, sources confirmed. “I’m telling you,…
FDA Bans Use of Mambo No. 5
SILVER SPRING, Md. — The U.S. Food and Drug Administration announced a countrywide ban on the song “Mambo No.5,” citing its threat to the health of the nation, according to sources. “After banning some dangerous food additives like Red Dye No. 3 and…
Help! The Demon Possessing My Girlfriend Is Way Nicer Than She Is
I’m not the kind of man to ask strangers on the internet for anything other than nudes, but I’m so desperate for guidance that I have no choice. I have a really bad problem. The demon possessing my girlfriend is way nicer than my girlfriend is. Some…
Band Forecasts Thick Layer of Mid-Set Stage Fog
MINNEAPOLIS — Local band HorseLord forecasted a surprise front of thick stage fog rolling in around the middle of their set, despite a temperature of around 70 degrees with a chance to climb once the audience really starts moving, confirmed sources…