McDonald’s Debuts Clearance Menu
CHICAGO — McDonald’s rolled out a new McClearance Menu to all 14,000 corporate and franchise locations in the United States, sources confirmed. “The McClearance Menu isn’t just a good deal. It’s offering the McDonald’s favorites you love for 90 to 95%…
Dick Pic Achieves Lifelong Dream of Being Solicited
LAS VEGAS — After years of being blocked and sent to spam by women for being unsolicited, a dick pic has achieved its lifelong dream of being solicited, confirmed sources. “Solicitation is the top of Mount Everest in the dick pic world. Most dick pics…
Punk Over 35 Just Needs Phone, Keys, Wallet, Ear Plugs, Tums, Insoles, and Neck Fan to Go to Show
PHOENIX — Concertgoers in their late 30s and older are entering venues with a swath of mobility and sensory aids, perplexed and energetic younger attendees report. “Half the time the metal detector wand isn’t even on, I just scan over people if my…
Katie Zacharia Fired Just as Soon as She Finishes Reading Her Termination Letter
WASHINGTON — Embattled White House Press Secretary Katie Zacharia has been fired following a disastrous debut, according to everyone except for Zacharia, who is still sounding out the termination letter. “I’ve just been handed a letter I’m supposed to…
The New Doctor Loomis? This Psychiatrist Also Carries a Gun and Thinks Quiet Kids Are Creepy
Move over Doctor Loomis; there’s a new gun-toting psychiatrist in town, and he also thinks silent kids are creepy. In a namby-pamby world where most child psychiatrists are closer to Mr. Rogers than Sigmund Freud, one man has chosen to model himself…
Fuck Yeah! Staff Allowed to Go Home After Boss Suffers Medical Emergency
PUEBLO, Colo. — Christmas came early for staff at a local tech startup who were allowed to go home early after their boss, Todd Hull, suffered a medical emergency, reported giddy sources. “Fuck yeah!” beamed employee Donald Walker. “I was having a…
I Was Almost Ready To Write Shane Gillis Off for His Misogyny – Then, Chris D’Elia Spoke
When I first saw Shane Gillis’s now infamous SNL monologue, I was as shocked and outraged as any of you. It was open mic-level cringe on arguably the highest stage in comedy, just lazy, casual misogyny with added tackiness of mentioning sauna hangs with…
5 Tips For Healthy Cannabis Use That You Will Completely Ignore
In case you’ve been living under a rock for the last decade, or you’ve just been really, really high, recreational cannabis is legal in almost half the country now. Oh, also, democracy collapsed. No relation. With more people experimenting with…
Stephen Miller Googles “Temu Return Policy” After Disastrous Outing for New Press Secretary
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following a widely panned debut by Katie Zacharia as the new White House press secretary, special advisor Stephen Miller took to Google to look up “Temu return policy” in an attempt to get reimbursed for his purchase from the…
‘It Follows’ Monster Quits in Disgust 10 Minutes After Being Assigned to Crust Punk
PITTSBURGH — The monster from “It Follows” found itself quitting in disgust after only 10 minutes of following local crust punk Will Bernard, sources confirm. “Normally, I can keep this up for weeks,” the monster said. “This guy was just so fucking gross…