49ers Owner Suspended From Doing Whatever It Is Owners Do
SANTA CLARA, California — In response to a recent prostitution-related arrest, the NFL has suspended San Francisco 49ers owner Jed York for the next six games, although it’s unclear what York is suspended from.
“To clarify, Mr. York is not suspended from playing for the 49ers, nor from coaching the 49ers, nor from managing any aspect of the 49ers organization, seeing as he doesn’t currently do any of those things in any meaningful capacity,” said the NFL in an official statement. “Furthermore, his ownership interest in the team will remain unaffected, and he will still have access to his executive parking spot at all 49ers facilities. So…I guess maybe he just can’t tell people that he owns an NFL team for the next six weeks? Unless it comes up in conversation organically—I mean we don’t want to be too harsh on the guy. Oh, and no prostitutes, obviously! Unless they’re from Mr. Kraft’s list of league-approved massage parlors.”
49ers starting quarterback Brock Purdy expressed reservations about soldiering on through the next 6 weeks of football without York doing what he does, “whatever that is exactly.”
“Well, we’ve still got our full offense, defense, special teams, coaching staff, fans, and other teams to play, but without a sense of being owned, I don’t know how the hell we’re gonna move that football.”
When asked if York would be missed, 49ers head coach Kyle Shanahan responded, “Who?”
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