Amazing!: When the Minneapolis Spider-Man Needed Legal Help, a Man Dressed as Matt Murdock Punched Jake Lang in the Face Again
It’s been said before that not all heroes wear capes. Case in point: Spider-Man. He’s a SUPER hero who’s never worn a cape, has the highest-grossing movie in America, and punched far-right influencer Jake Lang right in the face to the delight of…
Schumer and Jeffries Hold Emergency Meeting With Trump to Brainstorm Insulting Nicknames for DSA Candidates
WASHINGTON — Democratic leadership met with President Trump to seek help coming up with “sick burns and zingers” for their shared political rivals, sources confirm. “Obviously, we don’t see eye to eye with Donald Trump on much. For instance, he…
Conservatives Remember the Late Dolly Parton, Without Remembering Her
BRENTWOOD, Tenn. — In the wake of the passing of Dolly Parton, iconic singer, actor, and philanthropist, millions of conservative country fans are remembering the country giant’s legacy in a highly selective manner, country music insiders…
Scientists Confirm Reggie Watts Has First Ego Psychedelics Can’t Kill
LOS ANGELES — A group of neuroscientists studying the effects of the psychedelic experience made a startling breakthrough recently, announcing this morning their discovery that comedic loops musician Reggie Watts possesses the only known ego in the world…
Jake Lang Formally Invited to Join Sinister Six
MINNEAPOLIS, Minn. — Following provocateur Jake Lang’s wildly dangerous political stunt and subsequent clash with Spider-Man this past weekend at Minneapolis City Hall, the infamous rogue gallery, ‘The Sinister Six’ announced they have formally invited…
We Look Back on Nine Inch Nails’ “Closer” Because I’m in the Car With My Dad and of Fucking Course It’s Playing on the Radio
“Closer” by Nine Inch Nails was released in May of 1994 as the second single off their sophomore album “The Downward Spiral”, and of fucking course it just started playing on the radio right after Dad picked me up from O’Hare for the McLaughlin family…
Office Punk’s PowerPoint Only Has Three Slides
CHICAGO — Local office punk Darrell Willis recently presented Business Think Lab, his place of work, with a PowerPoint that only used three slides, despite taking nearly three weeks to produce, confirmed sources. “Darrell is always trying to act…
I Said I Got a Pocketful of SUNSHINE, Motherfucker! — Guest Post by Natasha Bedingfield
Yeah. That’s right. You don’t have shit. What do you have in your pocket? Nothing! It’s because you’re broke as fuck. “Take me away, to a higher place”…yeah…like the Billboard Top 100. Heard of it? Any of your…
‘Abbey Road’ Biographer Reveals Paul Made Everyone Use the Crosswalk
CARNOUSTIE, Scotland — A new biography about the six-frame photoshoot for the Beatles’ final recorded studio album asserts that Paul McCartney insisted the Fab Four use the zebra-stripe crosswalk and move single file while crossing Abbey Road. “The…
Five Things You Should Never Say to Henry Rollins While Playing Hungry Hungry Hippos Against Him
We’ve all been there. You’re sitting across the table from Henry Rollins, one of the most feared frontmen and board game competitors in punk history, and you don’t want to say the wrong thing during a heated Hungry Hungry Hippos tournament. There’s just…