New HHS Sleep Hygiene Guidelines Include Being Okay With Trump Administration Actions
WASHINGTON — The Department of Health and Human Services announced updates to its sleep hygiene guidelines, retaining its recommendations to avoid screens and have a consistent sleep schedule while adding advice to be fine with what the Trump…
The Hard Times One-Step Guide To Quit Micro-Dosing and Just Take the Ride Like a Fucking Adult
It’s been over 10 years since micro-dosing—the practice of taking just a small amount of hardcore, mind-altering drugs every day to cure whatever self-diagnosed problem you have—broke into the mainstream. It is now safe to say we live in a post…
Dad Getting Sick of Son Asking Him to Check Under His Bed for Steven Tyler
BOSTON — Local father Hank Lindemuler is growing tired of his son Simon Lindemuler asking him to check under the bed for any sign of Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler, confirmed sources. “He’s eight years old now. Time for him to get over his fear of the…
Robert Plant Admits Hair Is Noodles
SHATTERFORD, England — Led Zeppelin frontman Robert Plant finally made a statement admitting that his hair is, in fact, noodles, confirmed sources who long suspected as much. “I’ve been afraid to tell people,” Plant shared while cleaning his hair using a…
Shrinkflation on the Rise: Ticket Now Only Gets You One Duran
LOS ANGELES — The same ticket that used to get fans into a Duran Duran show will now only admit entry to a single Duran, sources confirmed. “I bought these tickets weeks ago, but I’m just now noticing they’re for a singular Duran,” said Dawit Davis,…
I Refuse To Get My Toddler Hooked on ‘Cocomelon’, So We Watch the Music Video for “Smack My Bitch Up” Instead
When I found out I was pregnant, my first thought was, Will I keep it? Then I remembered I live in Texas and shifted to a choice a woman is allowed to make: Will I let this kid have screen time? I’m a realist, so obviously. But there’d be none of that…
Opinion “Eat, Sleep, Pretend Your Hobby Defines You as a Person, Repeat”
You’re a beautiful and unique snowflake, aren’t you? Of course you are, you fucking bad-ass! So, what’s your favorite hobby? Is it glass-blowing like this guy we’re in line behind with a t-shirt on that says “Eat, sleep,…
Trump Switches Podcast Appearance to Theo von, Leaving Joe Rogan Vulnerable to Iran Attack
AUSTIN, Texas — President Trump confirmed that he secretly abandoned a scheduled appearance on The Joe Rogan Experience due to an Iranian death threat, instead appearing last minute on Theo Von’s This Past Weekend. “It was the Secret Service’s call,”…
Tupac Murder Trial in Chaos as Tupac Set To Testify
LAS VEGAS — In a shocking turn that has the entire court in a tailspin, prosecutors have announced that Tupac Shakur is set to testify in the trial of Duane “Keffe D” Davis, the man charged with orchestrating the 1996 murder of Tupac Shakur,…
The Next Trump? This IT Chud Keeps Threatening To Delete Civilization Game From My Work Laptop
If we lived in a country that wasn’t unmoored from morality and reality, President Trump’s genocidal threat to the Iranian people, “a whole civilization will die tonight,” would have inspired some soul-searching for more than one 24-hour news cycle. And…