Five Things You Should Never Say to Henry Rollins While Playing Hungry Hungry Hippos Against Him

We’ve all been there. You’re sitting across the table from Henry Rollins, one of the most feared frontmen and board game competitors in punk history, and you don’t want to say the wrong thing during a heated Hungry Hungry Hippos tournament. There’s just something about this man that simply must take everything seriously, especially children’s games based on the feeding habits of hippopotamuses. 

Luckily, we’ve said them all to the man, so you don’t have to. Here are the five things you should never say to Mr. Black Flag if you want to get out of this intense Hungry Hungry Hippos match alive.

“My eight-year-old niece loves this game.”

Whatever you do, do not attempt small talk with this man, especially during game time. He’s one of those guys who hates to discuss the weather, family, or any other lighthearted attempts to connect with a fellow human being. He will only entertain a conversation if the topic of discussion is high-minded, like the art of spoken word, punk from 1981 specifically, or the strategy behind Hasbro board games.

“I call dibs on the orange hippo.”

It is common knowledge that Henry’s favorite color is orange. It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. No one’s favorite color is orange. But the orange one is considered his “lucky hippo.” Also, it’s a little-known fact that the orange one’s name is actually Henry Hippo. That’s probably why.

“You were great in the movie ‘Heat’ but it’s nothing compared to your role in ‘The Chase.’”

This will only confuse the man. Whatever you do, do not attempt to disorient Henry during Hungry Hungry Hippos. He will see right through your bullshit and angrily smash the board in half. Don’t worry, Henry always has a spare Hungry Hungry Hippos set on him, so the tournament must carry on.

“Greg Ginn is a more formidable Hungry Hungry Hippos player than you.”

Henry hates Greg. Greg hates Henry. This will only fuel Henry’s competitive nature, and you will get shut out. That’s right. You will somehow end up with zero white balls in the mouth of your plastic hippo. Is that what you want? A shutout?!

“Can we play Mouse Trap instead?”

Henry plays Hungry Hungry Hippos like an internationally ranked chess player. He even brought one of those little clocks to the game and hits the timer every time a match starts to make sure he “gets a good time,” whatever that means. So no, Henry will not want to play an inferior board game like Mouse Trap. Too elementary.

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