Hollywood to Begin Working on New Horror Franchise ‘The Woman Who is Both Old and Naked’
LOS ANGELES — Hollywood executives confirmed that they are working on a new horror franchise called “The Woman Who is Both Old and Naked,” in a recent statement. “You know, as creatives we are always working on the next best thing that’ll totally blow…
It’s Time We Talked About How Few Members of the Zombies Have Died and Come Back
There’s been something on my mind, and I’m tired of keeping it in. It’s time we talked about how few members of The Zombies have died and come back. I just feel like if you hear your friend say “Hey, I heard The Zombies are playing a gig tonight. Wanna…
Aging Goth Couple Barely Scare Each Other Anymore
PEORIA, Ill. — Each waiting behind a corner to frighten the other the moment either of them rounds it, aging goth couple Rob and Patricia Ferney acknowledged that, unfortunately, they barely scare each other anymore. “The years add up and, to our…
The Next Fleetwood Mac? These 4 Coked Out Roommates Are Also Sleeping With Each Other
Guess you could say the ‘Rumours’ are true: Santa Monica might have found a foursome that can only be described as the next Fleetwood Mac. People have been paying attention to this group and drawing comparisons to the “Landslide” band based on the eerie…
Amazing Beard Completely Wasted on White Supremacist
INDIANAPOLIS — An absolutely stellar beard observed by onlooker Alec Vinton outside his local library was unfortunately wasted on some white supremacist protesting a drag story hour, disappointed sources report. “Goddamnit, look at that thing,” Vinton…
Opinion: It’s Actually Punk as Shit To Sob While Watching ‘Over the Garden Wall’ Episode 9
Sup fuckers. Been hearin’ some murmurs throughout the basement (from MIDI drummers no less…which, like, those who squat in glass houses…) that I’m “soft.” There’s talk that I burst into tears during sound check because the arpeggio for our latest…
Eric and Donald Trump Jr. Accuse Antifa of Selling Them Shitty Cocaine
WASHINGTON — Eric and Donald Trump Jr. have assembled a multi-agency law enforcement coalition to find and arrest the alleged members of Antifa who sold them shitty cocaine last night, members of the intelligence committee have confirmed. “Last night, we…
Waymo Informs Woman’s Friends She Talked Shit About Them During Ride
LOS ANGELES — Tanya Corrigan was shocked to learn that a conversation she had in a Waymo car was recorded and sent to the friends she was criticizing, sources confirm. “I was utterly humiliated when Waymo sent what I said to my friends,” said Corrigan.…
5 Punk Albums You Need To Hear Before You Die Tomorrow
Bikini Kill — Reject All-American. Black Flag’s Damaged. Gang of Four’s Entertainment. With so much music, it’s impossible to listen to every great punk record in one short lifetime (for you especially). That’s why we’ve combed through hundreds of…
Opinion: This Party Ain’t Big Enough for Two Fat Horror Movie Aficionados
In a different life, we could have amicably coexisted at a horror convention, our rank odors swirling together until Robert Englund found us repulsively indistinguishable. Unfortunately for you, I got to this board game night first, and I’m not about to…