Disney Hopes to Improve Public Image by Switching to Free-Range Child Stars
ORLANDO, Fla. — Disney executives announced today they will be switching to 100% free-range, humanely bred child stars in an effort to turn around the negative image surrounding their live-action children’s television practices, confirmed sources.…
Horror Punk House Denies Halloween Candy to Any Child Who’s Listened to Post-‘Art of Drowning’ AFI
FORT WAYNE, Ind.— Residents of a horror punk house refused to distribute Halloween candy to children who have listened to any AFI songs past their 2000 album “The Art of Drowning,” confused sources report. “It’s just common sense,” inhabitant Elias…
Millennial Psychopath Hides Motorola Razrs in Candy Apples
SPRINGWOOD, Ohio — Local 37-year-old man Jay Myers is giving a classic urban legend a 21st-century makeover by putting 2004 Motorola Razrs inside candy apples and giving them to unsuspecting trick-or-treaters on Halloween, confirmed sources. “I wanted to…
White House Announces Children on EBT Only Allowed to Trick or Treat at Houses Giving Out Apples
WASHINGTON — The Trump Administration announced Monday that children who are on EBT, or SNAP benefits, will only be permitted to trick or treat at houses giving out apples, confirmed sources. “Look, no one wants to be the bad guy, but we have to start…
Glenn Danzig Changes Ways After Being Visited by Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present, and Future
LOS ANGELES — On-and-off Misfits singer Glenn Danzig was completely scared straight after visits from the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present, and Future, confirmed sources. “After the Ghost of Halloween Past took me back in time to when I made Doyle…
66 Horror Movie Kills That Would Look Cooler if Donald Trump (Who Has Acted Before) Was in Them—We Can Say That, Right?
From his role as ‘VIP Patron’ in 54 to his tour de force as ‘Forbes Cover Billionaire’ in something called “Horrorween,” when it comes to American actors, Donald Trump is undeniably one of them. Frankly, we think he’s underrated! Who could forget his…
Patrick Stewart Reappears as Force Ghost Just To Piss You Nerds Off
LOS ANGELES—Sir Patrick Stewart, the beloved actor who passed away earlier today, most famous for his role as Captain Jean-Luc Picard on ‘Star Trek: The Next Generation,’ has reportedly appeared before numerous nerds across the country as a ‘Star Wars’…
Experts Find Skrillex Most Common Sleep Paralysis Demon for People Who Attended College in 2010
CORAL GABLES, Fla. — Experts at the University of Miami determined through rigorous research that the most common sleep paralysis demon among individuals who attended college in 2010 is none other than American DJ Skrillex. “We theorize that it’s a…
Local Guy Still Stoked From Using ‘Liminal’ in Conversation Two Weeks Ago
MANAYUNK, Penn. — Brunch-goer Edwin Smaddle remains totally stoked two weeks after properly using the word “liminal” in conversation, witnesses of the verbal feat reported. “As the word left my mouth it felt like the hand of God reached down from the…
Medical Miracle! Man Casually Listens to Ween
The curious case of Altoona, PA’s Matt Harper has garnered attention from several esteemed medical journals over the past few weeks, as doctors all around the world scramble to make sense of the self-proclaimed man who “sort of likes Ween”. Long…