When I Die, Feed Me To Something Majestic
In my 100 years, I’ve been favored with good health, time with loved ones, and a long, fulfilling career. There are many things for which I am grateful, not least of which is the opportunity to travel this astonishing planet, witness its wondrous…
Dept. Of Interior Sets Aside 2.3 Million Acres For Future Trumps To Enjoy
WASHINGTON—Calling the act a forward-looking attempt to preserve the nation’s most precious natural treasures for the president’s descendants, the Department of the Interior announced Monday that it would set aside a 2.3-million-acre stretch…
Nation’s Quiet, Gangly Kids In Cargo Pants Announce Plans To Be Freakishly Good At Cross Country
AURORA, IL—Confirming they would soon emerge from the nation’s basements, computer labs, and AP History classrooms to dominate 5K courses across the nation, America’s quiet, gangly kids in cargo pants announced Wednesday that they planned to be…
Lindsey Graham’s Sister Promises to Learn Where Iran Is
Megan Varner/Getty Images SOUTH CAROLINA (The Borowitz Report)—At a campaign rally on Monday, Lindsey Graham’s sister Darline promised the people of South Carolina “to learn where Iran is.” “As I said during my debate…
Five Movies “Return of the Fly” by the Misfits Might Be About
Alright, it’s time for some Misfits! Who doesn’t love these infamous progenitors of horror punk? Whether you’re rocking out to Glenn Danzig’s signature crooning in their older releases or January 6th enthusiast Michale Graves’ perfectly serviceable…
Tipper Gore Admits She Only Started the PMRC Because She Was Denied a Backstage Pass at a Judas Priest Show
MONTECITO, Calif. — Former second lady of the United States Tipper Gore admitted that she only co-founded the Parents Music Resource Center (PMRC) after being denied a backstage pass at a Judas Priest concert in 1985, sources report. “It’s embarrassing,…
Nation Collectively Agrees Spelling Yanoplis Right Not Worth The Google
NEW ORLEANS — Millions of texts, emails, and DMs were misspelled over the weekend as the entire nation collectively decided that looking up the correct spelling of Milo Yanapopolis, the far-right influencer bizarrely arrested by ICE last Friday, was…
Opinion: The CIA Torture Playlist Is Actually Pretty Good
So I was recently on the lookout for a new playlist to listen to while I’m doing chores or getting my workouts in, and I found one that suits me pretty well. It was only after I had been using it for a few days that I learned of its true origins.…
Study Confirms Driving 30 Miles Over the Speed Limit While Smoking Marlboros and Listening to Motörhead Fucking Rules
GLASGOW, Mont. — An independent study by townie Clint McClusky revealed nothing in life fucks harder than driving 30 miles per hour over the speed limit while simultaneously chain-smoking Marboros and blasting Motörhead, everyone within a five-mile…
Mark Carney for President!
How come Canada gets a leader who’s a world-famous economist while we’re stuck with Natalie Harp’s barely-sentient boyfriend? Dean Obeidallah and I discuss the possibility of the USA becoming Canada’s eleventh province—and…