On a Roll: Democrats Win House, Senate, America’s Next Top Model
WASHINGTON — Democrats are on a hot streak after winning the United States House of Representatives, Senate, and reality television competition show “America’s Next Top Model,” confirmed sources. “It is an honor to serve this country as a hot…
James Talarico Cackles Maniacally as Hordes of Gender-Affirming Surgeons Descend Upon Texas
AUSTIN, Texas — Recently elected Democratic senator James Talarico was seen laughing maniacally as hordes of gender-affirming surgeons were unleashed throughout the state of Texas following his historic victory Tuesday, sources report. “Fools!” the…
Joe Mazzulla Uses Claude To Learn Why Jordan Walsh’s Hair Like That
BOSTON—Praising the artificial intelligence tool for its increasingly important role in shaping his coaching decisions, Boston Celtics head coach Joe Mazzulla revealed Tuesday that he had been using Claude to investigate why Jordan Walsh’s hair was like…
Jimmy Chiarella
Jimmy Chiarella, 72, died Wednesday after being the last one to say “not it.” The post Jimmy Chiarella appeared first on The Onion.
Gina Billings
Gina Billings, 64, died of unknown causes, but since her head is still attached to her body, beheading can almost certainly be ruled out. The post Gina Billings appeared first on The Onion.
St. Augustine of Hippo
St. Augustine of Hippo succumbed to colorectal cancer at his hospice in heaven at the tragically short afterlife age of 1596. The post St. Augustine of Hippo appeared first on The Onion.
Dominatrix’s Kid Briefly Spotted In Doorway
The post Dominatrix’s Kid Briefly Spotted In Doorway appeared first on The Onion.
Julie Marks
The Loyola High class of 2003 got it right when they voted Julie Marks, 41, most likely to die by ciguatera fish poisoning. The post Julie Marks appeared first on The Onion.
Melania Trump Drops Accent While Visiting Parents In Iowa Hometown
LE MARS, IA—As she spoke of how excited she was to take a break from her White House duties and spend some time getting back to her Midwestern roots, first lady Melania Trump dropped her accent Friday while visiting her parents in her Iowa hometown,…
Jasper Collins
Jasper Collins, 59, died suddenly Tuesday, completely ruining his business partner’s plans to make him the fall guy. The post Jasper Collins appeared first on The Onion.