Wendy’s Employees Undergo Mandatory “Brand New vs. Taking Back Sunday” Training
DUBLIN, OH — After the surprise release of Wendy’s collaborative emo album, CEO Bob Wright announced that all store employees must undergo extensive mandatory training outlining the scene-defining feud between Brand New and Taking Back Sunday, restaurant…
Dog Can’t Believe Guy She Hooked Up With 10 Years Ago Now Head Of FBI
WASHINGTON—Reflecting on the past fling and remarking how time had flown by, local golden retriever Daisy told reporters Thursday that she could not believe the guy she hooked up with 10 years ago was now the head of the FBI. “I remember seeing him on TV…
The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Robert Pattinson
Primetime star Robert Pattinson is receiving widespread acclaim for his portrayal of To Catch A Predator host Chris Hansen. The Onion sat down with the actor to discuss his craft, his career, and what’s next. The Onion : What creative liberties did you…
Line of Juggalo Suitors Forms in the Hopes of Courting Young Juggalette
DETROIT — A line of juggalo suitors formed outside the bedroom window of 19-year-old juggalette Katie Gerwin in the hopes of winning her favor, sources report. “I noticed Katie at last week’s Gathering of the Juggalos, and she really struck my fancy,”…
Guy Outside Obama Center Selling Cheaper Tickets To Something Called ‘Barry’s Magical Experience’
CHICAGO—Saying the man promised visitors access to the “real show,” onlookers confirmed Thursday that a guy outside the Barack Obama Presidential Center was selling cheaper tickets to something called “Barry’s Magical Experience.”…
Hitler Estate Sues Trump for Stealing Arch Design
Kevin Carter/Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The estate of Adolf Hitler sued Donald J. Trump on Thursday for what it called the “blatant theft” of the late German chancellor’s design for an arch of triumph in Berlin.…
USDA Replaces Food Stamps With One Giant Rutabaga
The post USDA Replaces Food Stamps With One Giant Rutabaga appeared first on The Onion.
Hunter Arrested After Mistaking Woman For A Deer
A 74-year-old hunter was arrested on felony manslaughter charges after fatally shooting a woman whom he mistook for a deer. What do you think? “Many hunters are naturalists who hold great respect for the women they kill.” Spencer Dunn, Whirlpool…
Dr. DooDiddle
The post Dr. DooDiddle appeared first on The Onion.
Regretful Man Realizes He Would Be Rich By Now If He Had Invested In Rice 7,000 Years Ago
ST. LOUIS—Kicking himself for missing out on a potentially lucrative financial opportunity, local man Keith Towers reportedly realized this week that he might have become rich if he had invested in rice 7,000 years ago. “Damn, I wish I’d had the…