Regretful Man Realizes He Would Be Rich By Now If He Had Invested In Rice 7,000 Years Ago
ST. LOUIS—Kicking himself for missing out on a potentially lucrative financial opportunity, local man Keith Towers reportedly realized this week that he might have become rich if he had invested in rice 7,000 years ago. “Damn, I wish I’d had the foresight to put some money down on rice back in 5000 B.C., because I’d probably be loaded right now,” said Towers, lamenting his decision not to get in on the ground floor of a grain market now worth hundreds of billions of dollars a year. “Rice is everywhere—on restaurant menus, sold by the sack at the grocery store. It’s really taken off over the last 70 centuries. When you factor in how popular things like sushi and paella are today, you have to figure I’d have cleared at least seven figures on short-grain holdings alone. Even being conservative, if I bought a modest share of basmati pre–Bronze Age, I would have more than enough to retire today. I guess hindsight’s twenty-twenty, but who would have guessed rice would ever out-perform sorghum?” At press time, sources confirmed Towers was assuring himself that he would have lost it all in the next 300 years anyway.
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