The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Robert Pattinson

Primetime star Robert Pattinson is receiving widespread acclaim for his portrayal of To Catch A Predator host Chris Hansen. The Onion sat down with the actor to discuss his craft, his career, and what’s next.

The Onion : What creative liberties did you take with the role of Chris Hansen?

Pattinson: Instead of “Why don’t you take a seat?” I say “By the stars that glow and the moon’s silken light, my powers now activate, pedophiles take flight!”

Do you have any expectations for awards season?

I hope to be named Wirecutter ’s best air purifier of 2026.

What’s your greatest fear?

Being pigeonholed as nothing more than a once-in-a-generation thespian.

How do you choose your roles?

After I read the script I use it as a towel, and if it dries me off I take the role.

What role do you most frequently get recognized for?

My star turn in The Life And Times Of Robby P, a film I made on my iPhone a couple years ago.

If you had to disappear tomorrow, where would you go?

There’s a little village in St. Kitts where everyone knows me as Razor.

Any advice for aspiring actors?

Try to get your foot in the door by starring in movies.

What’s next for you?

Gaining 200 pounds and becoming infamously difficult.

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