The Rails
Why settle down in one place when the whole country can be your home? Grab your bindle, hop one of these boxcars, and you’ll always have a roof over your head and a corner to defecate in. Reference #368409 The post The Rails appeared first on The Onion.
Dept. Of Interior Grills Up Nation’s Remaining Endangered Species
WASHINGTON—With fragrant smoke wafting down Pennsylvania Avenue as a line of administration officials and VIPs stretched around the block, sources reported Saturday that leadership at the U.S. Department of the Interior had begun grilling up the nation’s…
Sex Talk Devolves Into Dad Rambling About Bo Jackson
NAPERVILLE, IL—Veering from the intended subject matter just seconds into their conversation, local father Andrew Parker’s effort to sit his son down for a sex talk quickly devolved into a rambling diatribe about all-star two-sport athlete Bo Jackson,…
‘Same Great Taste’ Caveat Mitigates Trauma Of Snack’s New Look
PHOENIX—Horror and revulsion at drastic changes to a longstanding package design were alleviated Friday by reassuring text on a Cheez-It box that promised consumers the interior product still retained its familiar great taste, retail sources…
Experts Say Pentagon Has Used Up Its Entire Stockpile of Mascara
Jim Watson / AFP via Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a worrying development for the US military, the Pentagon has exhausted its entire supply of mascara, defense analysts warned on Monday. The depletion of mascara reserves is only…
The Next Dave Grohl? This Guy Was in a Band and Now He’s in Another One
Locals tuned into the music scene all have their eyes on one musician this week, and the question on everyone’s lips: Is this guy the next Dave Grohl? All we really know about Evan Woodward is that he was in a band and now he’s performing with this other…
Mark Duplass Announces Plans To Show His Dick in Whatever Project He Does Next
HOLLYWOOD — Director and actor Mark Duplass announced plans to display his “cock,” “two balls,” and if time permits, “juicy ass” in whatever project he does next, confirmed sources. “I’ve always felt very strongly that on-screen nudity should not feature…
6 Times Our Summer Crush Turned Out To Be the Hamburglar
Ah, summer love! Are there any two greater words in the world, aside from “Netflix password” and “Duff McKagan?” There is nothing quite like the thrilling, sweaty feeling of falling into a summertime fling, knowing that these few months of sticky, muggy,…
All the Reasons Tommy Tuberville Believes Abdul El-Sayed is a “Terrorist”
On Wednesday, Alabama senator and gubernatorial candidate Tommy Tuberville took to X to call Michigan Senate candidate Abdul El-Sayed a “TERRORIST” and a “RADICAL ISLAMIST who will do everything he can to destroy America.” In a…
Descendents Appeal To Aging Fanbase With New Song ‘Milo Goes to Bed Before 10’
LOS ANGELES — Descendents fans lucky enough to attend the band’s recent show at the Hollywood Palladium were treated to a brand new song called “Milo Goes to Bed Before 10,” introduced by lead singer Milo Aukerman as “a song for all the fans who remember…