Jasper Collins
Jasper Collins, 59, died suddenly Tuesday, completely ruining his business partner’s plans to make him the fall guy. The post Jasper Collins appeared first on The Onion.
Jimmy Chiarella
Jimmy Chiarella, 72, died Wednesday after being the last one to say “not it.” The post Jimmy Chiarella appeared first on The Onion.
Gina Billings
Gina Billings, 64, died of unknown causes, but since her head is still attached to her body, beheading can almost certainly be ruled out. The post Gina Billings appeared first on The Onion.
St. Augustine of Hippo
St. Augustine of Hippo succumbed to colorectal cancer at his hospice in heaven at the tragically short afterlife age of 1596. The post St. Augustine of Hippo appeared first on The Onion.
Why Hasn’t Abdul El-Sayed Accomplished Any Of His Campaign Goals Since Winning 2 Minutes Ago?
In The Know’s Midterm 2026 Election Panel debates if El-Sayed’s string of broken campaign promises over the last half-minute could mean the end of the progressive movement in America. The post Why Hasn’t Abdul El-Sayed Accomplished Any Of His…
Chili’s Customers Suffer Burns From Drinking Margaritas Made With Cleaning Agent
Customers at a Chili’s location in North Carolina experienced chemical burns after a worker mistook an unlabeled container of cleaning product to be sugar. What do you think? “Part of the charm of Chili’s is the ever-present risk of bodily harm.” Geoff…
Polls Close Early As Reward For Everyone’s Hard Work
WASHINGTON—Congratulating the American populace on a job well done, election officials announced Tuesday that polls for the 2026 midterms would be closing early as a reward for everyone’s hard work. “You all pounded the pavement and made your voices…
Steve Kornacki Crushes Millions Of Tiny Voters While Sliding Hand Across Electoral Map
The post Steve Kornacki Crushes Millions Of Tiny Voters While Sliding Hand Across Electoral Map appeared first on The Onion.
GOP Sees Surge In Turnout From First-Time Voter Intimidators
WASHINGTON—Crediting the increased participation to a months-long outreach campaign, Republican Party officials reported a surge in turnout Tuesday from first-time voter intimidators. “It’s inspiring to see so many newly registered Republicans grab their…
Neglectful Voter Forced To Fill Out 6 Years’ Worth Of Back Ballots
DENVER—Expressing frustration as poll workers handed him a large stack of election materials, local man Andrew Campbell was reportedly forced to fill out six years’ worth of back ballots Tuesday before he could vote in the 2026 midterms. “I guess I have…