Guy Outside Obama Center Selling Cheaper Tickets To Something Called ‘Barry’s Magical Experience’
CHICAGO—Saying the man promised visitors access to the “real show,” onlookers confirmed Thursday that a guy outside the Barack Obama Presidential Center was selling cheaper tickets to something called “Barry’s Magical Experience.”…
USDA Replaces Food Stamps With One Giant Rutabaga
The post USDA Replaces Food Stamps With One Giant Rutabaga appeared first on The Onion.
Hunter Arrested After Mistaking Woman For A Deer
A 74-year-old hunter was arrested on felony manslaughter charges after fatally shooting a woman whom he mistook for a deer. What do you think? “Many hunters are naturalists who hold great respect for the women they kill.” Spencer Dunn, Whirlpool…
Dr. DooDiddle
The post Dr. DooDiddle appeared first on The Onion.
Regretful Man Realizes He Would Be Rich By Now If He Had Invested In Rice 7,000 Years Ago
ST. LOUIS—Kicking himself for missing out on a potentially lucrative financial opportunity, local man Keith Towers reportedly realized this week that he might have become rich if he had invested in rice 7,000 years ago. “Damn, I wish I’d had the…
Algorithm Distorting How Important Man Thinks ‘Gummo’ Is To Rest Of World
PLAISTOW, NH—Blaming their friend’s personalized internet feed for his warped perception of the film’s impact, sources confirmed Wednesday that the algorithm presented to local man Todd Bennett had been distorting how important he thinks Gummo is to the…
American Medical Association: ‘Huge Biceps Are Only Thing That Matters’
CHICAGO—Granting the public permission to disregard the organization’s previous recommendations, American Medical Association officials announced this week that huge biceps were now the only thing that mattered for health. “Rather than worrying…
Trump Bans CNN, MS NOW, Politico From White House Press Pool
President Trump banned news outlets CNN, MS NOW, and Politico from participating in the White House press pool, citing what he considers fake news coverage of himself. What do you think? “Yeah, lots of grandpas yell at cable news.” Jonah Gardner, Topiary…
God Announces Departure From ‘Secret Lives Of Mormon Wives’
THE HEAVENS—Asserting that He’d had “enough of the drama,” the Lord God, Creator of Heaven and Earth, shocked fans Tuesday by announcing His abrupt departure from The Secret Lives Of Mormon Wives. “Though this series has been a huge part of My…
Trump Proposes Installation Of Sniper Nest Atop Barron
WASHINGTON—Declaring the military fortifications an urgent matter of national security, President Donald Trump on Monday proposed the installation of a sniper nest atop his youngest son, Barron. “We’re going to set up Barron right there on…