Heart-Wrenching Movie Scene Immediately Cuts To Liberty Biberty
The post Heart-Wrenching Movie Scene Immediately Cuts To Liberty Biberty appeared first on The Onion.
Creatively Tapped-Out Peter Thiel Launches Startup Called ‘Frodo, But Evil’
BUENOS AIRES—After exhausting a significant amount of his intellectual energy in a series of company launches, a creatively tapped-out Peter Thiel announced Tuesday a new startup called “Frodo, But Evil.” Everyone knows Frodo’s the hero…
Taylor Swift Surpasses Geppetto The Incredible Waltzing Horse As Most-Awarded VMAs Artist
LOS ANGELES—With her three wins last night finally putting her ahead of her greatest pop star rival, Taylor Swift surpassed Geppetto the Incredible Waltzing Horse on Sunday as the most-decorated artist in the history of MTV’s Video Music Awards.…
Pros And Cons Of Using Personal AI Agents
Tech companies have begun offering personal AI agents, which can access users’ accounts and perform tasks on their behalf. The Onion examines the pros and cons of these autonomous digital assistants. PRO Fun to torment a digital slave Never liked taste…
Math Teacher’s Duplex Too Depressing To TP
ROCKFORD, IL—Toilet paper rolls hanging limply at their sides as they stood astonished in front of the home, local teens observed this weekend that their math teacher’s duplex was too depressing to TP, a discovery that derailed their night’s plans. “Oh…
What’s Rustling In That Leaf Pile?
The post What’s Rustling In That Leaf Pile? appeared first on The Onion.
Lana Del Rey, Husband Celebrate Anniversary At Gas Station Subway
DES ALLEMANDS, LA—Holding hands and giggling as they talked the part-time fast food worker through their sandwich order, singer-songwriter Lana Del Rey and swamp tour boat captain Jeremy Dufrene reportedly celebrated their wedding anniversary Saturday at…
Kash Patel Phished By Scammer Posing As Kash Patel
WASHINGTON—Despite carefully checking and double-checking the credentials of the man who reached out to him via email, FBI director Kash Patel was reportedly phished Friday by a scammer posing as FBI director Kash Patel. “First of all, he’s…
FBI Hack Exposes Thousands Of Employee Records
A cybercriminal collective known as ShinyHunters claims to have breached the FBI’s online job portal and stolen more than 2 terabytes of employee personnel records. What do you think? “What kind of demented people want to know more about Kash Patel?”…
Baseball Analysts Call For New Stat Called B.L.E.P.H.
NEW YORK—Stressing that the sport’s existing suite of advanced metrics was no longer sufficient to satisfy their hunger for increasingly granular data, baseball analysts from across the country called Wednesday for the creation of a new statistic called…