Inter-Not-So-Stellar
The post Inter-Not-So-Stellar appeared first on The Onion.
Visit To Girlfriend’s Family Provides Illuminating Insight Into Why She’s Asian
CHICAGO—Saying he now saw the woman he’d been dating in a totally different light, local man Arthur Morris confirmed Tuesday that a recent visit to his girlfriend’s family provided illuminating insight into why she was Asian. “The first time…
Report: Tennis-Racket-Shaped Bag Gotta Be Full Of Tennis Rackets
ESTES PARK, CO—Noting the bag’s elongated oval shape, prominent Wilson logo, and the fact that its owner was walking directly toward a tennis court, a new report released Tuesday concluded that the tennis-racket-shaped bag in local man Marcus Walman’s…
Gene Editing Used To Create Hypoallergenic Beagles
Geneticists used CRISPR to produce twin beagle pups who do not make the lead allergy-causing protein found in dogs, opening up new possibilities for gene-editing technologies. What do you think? “One day I’ll be able to edit my genes to make myself…
Pete Hegseth Orders Military Blockade Of Woman Attempting To Walk Away From Him
WASHINGTON—Saying he would not hesitate to use force if she continued to disobey his orders, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly ordered a military blockade Monday of a woman attempting to walk away from him in a D.C.-area bar. “Until further…
Ben Hopper
Anyone who didn’t know Ben Hopper, 16, would say it was cruel that he died so young. The post Ben Hopper appeared first on The Onion.
Todd Blanche Vows To Remain Fully Independent Of The Law
WASHINGTON—Assuring the American people he would not let the legal system sway his judgment in any decision he makes, recently sworn-in Attorney General Todd Blanche vowed at a press conference Monday to remain fully independent of the law. “The autonomy…
White House Taps Mean Teen In Zara Fitting Room As New Press Secretary
WASHINGTON—Touting her overall cruelty and particular delight at making others feel miserably self-conscious, the White House on Monday tapped a mean teenager from a Zara fitting room as its new press secretary. “Madison [Rhodes] has been on our…
‘Do You Have Any Idea Who I Am?’ Jalen Brunson Shouts At Librarian Refusing To Move Him Up ‘Lonesome Dove’ Waitlist
NEW YORK—Slamming both hands on the circulation desk after learning he was 17th in line for Larry McMurtry’s Pulitzer Prize–winning Western novel, Knicks star Jalen Brunson reportedly shouted, “Do you have any idea who I am?” Monday at a librarian who…
Crying Newborn Has No Idea How Much Worse It Gets
MEDFORD, OR—Saying the infant really ought to save her tears for the real shit that’s headed her way, sources familiar with crying newborn Sophia Whitfield confirmed Monday that she had no idea how much worse it was going to get. Observers told…